A kind of beauty I have never seen before

Yesterday I went to the Ancient Mayan Ruins (Ruinas de San Andres) with my best friend to celebrate Baktun. 

The celebration marked the end of the Mayan Calendar and welcomed the dawning of a new era. It was amazing to see people coming together to celebrate a culture that has been suppressed by the government for almost a century. And it is interesting to see how the Indigenous identity has been revitalized by activists and passionate individuals in the recent years. One of my cousins is working with bilingual schools that teach Spanish and Nahuatl to small indigenous communities.

This event made me appreciate a kind of beauty that I have never seen before. I've been much exposed to consumer culture all my life. And according to consumer culture, the definition of beauty and wealth is prescribed by the material things you own. However, I find that this construction of meaning rather artificial and fake. And I have also observed that Salvadoran culture in particular, tend to imitate the American hegemonic culture.

I have come to appreciate the natural beauty that surrounds us. I have come to appreciate the spirit of giving and family that unites us as a country. I have come to appreciate that we do not need much to make us happy. It is possible to be perfectly content with the little things we have.

Sometimes we have to lay aside our ethnocentric views to appreciate a kind of beauty that we may have never seen before.

Home and Family Revelations

According to the Mayan Calendar, it's the end of the world but I'm extremely happy. 

By extremely happy, I mean waking up in the morning and smiling to myself because I can enjoy the warm weather and the sweet company of my family.

Being home has made me deeply reflect on the things that God has given me. I cannot help but give thanks all the time.

Both of my parents are alive and healthy. They are able to support me in my studies. I have an extended  family and friends who love me and appreciate me (and vice versa). I have enough food, water and a cozy bed to rest at night.

It's the end of the world but I have never felt so content in my life. Hehehe.

Just a few days ago I visited my grand-aunt (my grandmother's sister) and my cousin at their home. She showed me my great-grandmother's picture and told me stories about her.

She was born in Mazatan, Mexico...a small agricultural town in Chiapas near the border of Guatemala. She met my great-grandfather (a Chinese merchant) and moved to El Salvador because he liked it there. After some time, they decided to move to China with their 10 children to settle. Sadly, my great-grandfather died of some pulmonary disease leaving 10 of their children fatherless. She made the difficult decision of going back to El Salvador taking only 2 children with her. She always planned to go back but due to the circumstances (World War 2, money), she had to stay in El Salvador.

The rest of the children were raised by my great-grand aunt (my great-grandfather's sister) who was a school principal. She opened a school during the Second World War! My dream is deeply related to my family.

Another interesting thing that I found out about my family is that we have Spanish and Jewish ancestry. According to some records, my ancestors were Jewish people who lived in Southern Spain (near Andalucia).

Therefore, I have a quite mixed heritage. And I am entitled to carry a Spanish last name (since Jewish people pass on their last names through their mothers).

It's so interesting to find out things about your family that you never knew before. Who knew that I have Jewish ancestors? Who knew that my great-grand aunt was a school principal? I am so proud of my family heritage. And I think that I will embrace my Spanish side more and more. 

Meditations on a Tuesday Afternoon

For years I was deceived and blind.
Yet beneath my timid exterior, rested a strong and beautiful spirit.

I was asleep in the dark but Your truth shone through.

I wandered, and You found me.
I hungered, and You fed me.
I was dirty, and You bathed me.
I was tired, and You gave me rest.
I was homeless, and You made a home in me.

You have been good to me, O Lord.

Let not my spirit depart from Thee.

Sketches

[On a mountain, we gaze at the Beloved City]

"We have come a long way, my Lord."
"You are finally home, My dear."
"The journey was rough, but beautiful nonetheless."
"You have been faithful."
"I wouldn't have made it without You."
"It was worth the pain."
"No pain, no gain."

[He takes me by the hand and we enter the Pearly Gates
The saints and angels gladly rejoice at our entrance.]

A New Name

Will Thou give me a new name?
For my old self hath passed away.
Thou hast broken me, destroyed me and renewed me.
Thou hast loved me, healed me and lifteth me.
I am a new creation -transformed by beholding Thy truth and beauty.
I am the most lovely bride; a reflection of Thy love and glory.
Bright Star - thou shinest hope to all lands.

[Revelations 2:17]

The Midwest

I flew early morning to the Midwest.

























 Along the way I met up with one of my best friends from Primary. We had lunch at Mickey's, one of the famous diners at St Paul.

We had a major catching-up session. He told me that he was doing his PhD in Princeton. He shared with me his passion for Near Eastern studies, his fascination towards the transantlantic correspondence between Latin America and the Middle East, the influences of Positivism and how it shaped Latin American society in the 18th-19th century, the latest political crisis in El Salvador. I was happy for him. I told him about my plans of opening a school in Latin America with the hopes of innovating the education and future of poor children. He gave me good and practical advice. I realized that we have changed, but we were still the same...nerdy, kind and funny old selves.

We rented a car and drove south to a small town called Winona, where my other best friend resides.

The ride was an adventure. I haven't driven for months, so I was out of practice. It was raining, cold and dark. At some point we thought that there was a flat tyre. But at the end we made it. My friend received us with a hug, a smile and a plate of turkey accompanied with side dishes of Thanksgivings goodness.

We shared, conversed, laughed and had an amazing time over the course of three days. This break was much needed. I realized that I haven't felt at home for the longest time. Even though the blistering cold of the Midwest was hard to endure, the warmth of that unconditional love and friendship that sustained us throughout the crazy years in High School was still there.

Among the many topics that we covered during our conversations, these are the main ones that left me in deep thought:

Social Consciousness and Responsibility: We grew up in a society that valued position and appearance a lot. Our classroom was a microcosm and a reflection of the class-based Salvadoran society. We talked about the past injustices and exclusions made by teachers and certain classmates. And many of those interactions contributed to our insecurities. To be honest, I felt that we were never accepted because we were perceived as a the nerdy kids. You had to act and dress in a certain way to be part of the popular crowd.

This brought us to the point of social consciousness and responsibility. All our actions and words bear consequences. And a lot of the people in school (I don't know if they were aware or not), did things that hurt others and brought consequences to their development. For example: humiliating a child in front of the class for a petty thing, excluding a classmate, and so on. Of course, nobody is perfect, but we must be conscious that our actions do bring consequences.

Educators and leaders should be responsible to create safe spaces for growth -free of bullying, back biting and gossip. Turning a blind eye or neglecting a problem is just as bad as hurting others. The pattern is hard to break, but the only way to do so is to set a good example to others by being kind, respectful and fair to everyone. If there is a problem, we should deal with it right away.

Autonomy: We have come to a stage in our lives that we are making decisions that will affect our future paths. We are no longer under the loving guidance of our parents, nor are we specifically bound with responsibilities such as family/children. It's a confusing age to begin with...and I am still trying to decipher my identity.

I have had a series of epiphanies this year that made me realize the power of human autonomy (thanks to Hebrews 11, reading CS Lewis and John Piper). Will power and desire can bring tremendous changes when used for good. A lot of people do not realize their value and the impact that they can bring to their communities. Therefore, their existence rests in passivity. Many times they are bound up with negativity, society's expectations and past troubles. I was one of those people, but thank God that my eyes were opened through faith. That's why it's so important to live in the truth. The truth will set you free.

You are the author of your own life-story. God gives you the choices and opportunities, but you are the one who makes decisions.

Acceptance: There is a great need in the human psyche for love, acceptance, respect and appreciation. Problem behaviours arise when these elements are lacking. For example, some children skip school because they are not accepted by their peers. Couples may have problems in their marriage because there is a lack of appreciation. Communities disintegrate when there is a lack of love.

Of course, we have to accept that we are not perfect. Human beings are flawed in so many ways. That's why we need God's love to heal our brokenness. When we are satiated in His love, we can bring love and acceptance to our community. Love brings the best out of us.

It's interesting to see that the three of us grew up with the same kind of values and ideals but we have taken different paths. One friend is doing his PhD and pursuing Academia and Law as a career. The other one is living a life of voluntary poverty and hospitality. He volunteers at a homeless shelter for the Catholic Workers and is planning to open an organic farm the next year with some friends. And I am kind of in the middle. I am a pursuing a teaching career with the hopes that one day I will open a school in Latin America.

The three of us are thinkers, idealists, writers and kind-hearted people. I am glad that God crossed our paths in the past.

This trip has made me reflect deeply in how I should live my life. I have matured. I have grown. And there are greater things to come. This is just the beginning.

Photos for your enjoyment: 

I had the wonderful opportunity to meet John Piper. His book 'Desiring God' changed my perspective in life. To pursue God is to pursue true joy. As Christians, it is our duty to delight in Him first.

Monday Evening Meditation

Have you ever wondered why were you born in this age? Why are you in this particular place? Why are you surrounded by these people?

What is life? It is like vapour. Two seconds and we evaporate to eternity.

Your days are numbered. You only live a set amount of years.

What are you going to do with your life?

Do you realize that you are the author of your life-story?

You are destined for great things.

But remember, you are who you choose to be.

[Meditation inspired by Psalm 90 and James 4:14]

Meditations on a Friday Morning

[Conversing with God in the Garden, our Secret Place]

"I've been thinking a lot about You and the people of this generation lately.

People of this generation demand true friendship and love when they lack these qualities themselves. They are restless, often distracted. And they forget of what is essential in life.

Some chase after the wind. They spend their life pursuing temporal pleasures and hoarding on money. At the end they are starving for love and meaning.

Why would people seek their own treasures when You are the source of all treasures?

[I paused. And grieved.]

And some people misunderstand You. They blame You for their troubles and sufferings. They don't really know You, and yet they slander against You. Some treat You as a gene thinking that their wishes will come true when they pray to You. So many people take You for granted.

And they often forget that You are a Person with feelings.

(How will they feel if someone treated them that way?)

Oh Lord, how do You bear with humanity? You have been so patient with us. 

How many people truly understand Your heart?

Remember that I am Your friend. I want to be close to You.

Keep me till the end."

My true friend

[A little Haiku for a true friend]

Years have passed,
and I have not yet found a friend
Like you.

Such friend
who sought me in trials,
and rejoiced with me.

Such friend
who taught me the value of beauty,
deep thought, truth and honesty.

The only way
That I can relive such friendship and love
Is to become a friend like you.

Tibi Ipsi Dic Vere

To thine self be true

There is a great joy of being yourself.

To be free from wanting to be someone else, to be free from other people's expectations, to be free from wanting to fit in, to feel completely comfortable in your own skin, to be accepted for just the way you are is a great blessing.

This world is constantly trying to steal our identity, and bombarding us with false precepts of the things we should attain: money, materialistic things, fame and power. But these things have no real permanence. Will these things make you happy? It will pass away one day. It's a real pity to see people pursuing after these things. But it happens. It's their choice.

This year I made remarkable discoveries about myself:

-I am a very loving, affectionate and generous person.
-I am honest and genuine. I am terrible at lying and pretending to be someone I am not.
-I have a very intimate relationship with God and that is what keeps me strong in life.
-The only way that I can find myself is through faith in God and His promises.
-I cannot spend long periods of time by myself. I need friends...inside and outside church. I love to socialize and I learn the most from conversations.
-I am a good and loyal friend. I try to give my best to others.
-I don't live for myself. I live for God.
-I am more Latina than Asian. And that's totally fine because I come from a mixed heritage. I am multicultural and open-minded.
-It's okay to be emotional because that's how God created me and I am a woman. The most healthy way to channel my emotions is through writing.
-I love reading and playing music. Because I am an introvert I need some time alone to recharge by doing the things I love.

To be honest, I haven't felt so happy and comfortable for the longest time. Maybe ever since I was 14? Something happened when I was 15 that made me negative and depressed all the time. But thank God that He healed me. Thus, I can finally be myself again. I think it is partly because I am finally able to forgive others and forgive myself, and partly because I have a strong support system.

God created you. And He loves you the way you are. He wants you to embrace your true identity and be happy the way you are. Accept yourself, forgive yourself and be true to yourself.

Anita

"I heard that you opened a school in India."

She smiled and invited me to sit with her. The sound of chatter and laughter travelled around the room as the sisters were having dinner before their cell-group. It was a typical chilly Wednesday evening. 

"Nice to meet you, I'm Anita."

I have met many Christians before, but to meet such a rare and beautiful soul was uncommon. We instantly made a connection. She volunteers as a houseparent and as a professional development coordinator for teachers in a school in Jangareddigudem, Andhra Pradesh. Basically, she helps run the school and takes care of 17 children at the children's home. 

She told me that this was her dream ever since she was a teenager. There were two paths that she could take: 1) to live a conventional life in Vancouver (settle down with a good job and drive a Toyota Yaris) or 2) Go to a third world country and do great things for the Lord. She chose the latter. She shared how the Lord slowly redirected her to accomplish her dream in the recent years. While she was working as a teacher in an International School in Dalian, China, she met a group of Christians that introduced her to an organization in India. The organization already bought a plot of land for further development. After a year, she raised enough funds to build a school. She later quit her job as a teacher in order to devote her life to God and these children. 

"What an amazing courage and faith," I thought to myself as she recounted her experiences and how she lived under $50 a month. She mainly used this money to buy extra vegetables and fruits to keep herself healthy. It has definitely not been a smooth journey for her. She told me about the cultural and language barriers, the loneliness, the tests of faith...

She also told me about the reverse culture shock she has been experiencing after coming back to Vancouver for a short visit. One of her relatives invited her to an expensive dinner. As she was eating Abalone and Shark Fin, she thought about the children, and how much help they could receive from the money she was spending that night. Tears started to well up in her eyes. From her face, I could see that she had an immense and genuine love towards God and these children. 

The conversation left me in deep thought. It made me think about my value system. When I went home that night, I quickly rummaged through my music box and looked at my jewelry. I own too many necklaces. I looked at my closet. I have many beautiful clothes. I looked at my fridge. There is a lot of food. There is nothing wrong of dressing well or eating well, but to hoard God's blessings and not share it with others made me feel uneasy. The little I can give can be a great blessing to a child in India. The money that I spend for a dress can sustain a child's food and education for one month. 

Jesus only owned 2 garments on earth. Yet He freely and generously gave His love to the people around Him. At least enough to feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. 

Anita's story also made me think that one day I will leave my comforts permanently. I have been to many missionary trips before, and I've suffered countless of flea bites, sickness and whatnot. But that was only temporal, because I knew that at the end of the day, I still had my ticket to fly back to Canada. It also made me seriously think: Am I ready for this? Am I ready leave my comfortable life to serve Him full-time? Am I willing to commit my whole life for His work? 

I know the answer already. God's love demands our all. He already gave His life for us, shouldn't we also give our life for Him too?

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, 
but whoever loses his life for me will find it (Matthew 16:25).

Quote

The loneliest people are the kindest, 
The saddest people smile the brightest, 
The most damaged people are the wisest. 
All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer 
the way they do.

Let me be to Thee as the circling bird,

Let me be to Thee as the circling bird,
Or bat with tender and air-crisping wings
That shapes in half-light his departing rings,
From both of whom a changeless note is heard.
I have found my music in a common word,
Trying each pleasurable throat that sings
And every praised sequence of sweet strings,
And know infallibly which I preferred.

The authentic cadence was discovered late
Which ends those only strains that I approve,
And other science all gone out of date
And minor sweetness scarce made mention of:
I have found the dominant of my range and state -
Love, O my God, to call Thee Love and Love.

Gerard Manley Hopkins

Kandom note: I miss those days when my friends and I recited poems to each other, played tetris and talked about the meaning of life at the back of the school pool.

A letter to Madagascar

I just received an email from a sister in Madagascar. I quickly wrote back with what was in my heart. 

Bonjour ma chere souer!


Je pense toujour de votre belle couer et des enfants. Tu me manques trop! Je rêve beaucoup les jours en Madagascar. Ton amour pour les enfant change ma vie. Les enfants change ma vie. 

After I came back from Madagascar, I've been inspired by the children to be close to God. You have no idea how much this trip has affected my pursuit, vision and love towards God and the people around me. I wake up early to draw near to God first thing in the morning. I try to be more generous and forgiving (inspired by you, ma belle soeur) towards brothers and sisters and everyone around me. I try to be more lively, genuine and sincere to those around me. And I try to make more jokes to make people happy. But most of all, my faith has grown and I have a greater burden to love this family. I believe that God will use me greatly.

I am learning to sing from a choral director. I am planning to put together a children's choir if I ever go back to Madagascar. And I am learning Mandarin. A friend lent me her French textbook to brush up my French. So many things has happened! I came back so changed! No more depression or anxiety. I am more joyful and generous. Finally, I've found my true self (thanks to you and the trip!)...and I am so happy to be so close to God and brothers and sisters. 


I often talk to T and M when I see them in Church. We had good fellowship in Madagascar. Whenever we come together, we talk about you and the things in Madagascar (Tsaramasu, tsara be...among other things lol). You are in my prayers and thoughts.

Send my kind regards to the brothers and sisters and the lovely children. Your smiles still dazzle in my mind now and then. 


Karen

Better is one day in Your Courts than a Thousand Elswhere

[Flashback Madagascar]

We went to a picnic at the King's palace on our last Wednesday in Madagascar. The children arrived early, anticipating much fun and excitement with the team and one another. I enjoyed every single moment of the trip. The kids sang all the way from the school to the palace. They sang songs in Malagasy, French and English (including the songs I taught them). We then played, had lunch, toured around the palace, took pictures and played again.

The girls kept holding my hand while showing me around the palace and telling me "I miss you." I replied in Malagasy "za kou" (me too).

That day will surely remain unforgettable.

Sketches

(Matthew 25:5-13)

"Quick! He cometh!"
"Where's the oil?"
"Wake up!"
"Hurry up, adorn yourselves."

"Look, He is opening the door."

Light enters and penetrates every dark corner of the room. The Bridegroom joyfully comes to receive His bride.

He shuts the door. Some are left behind.

There is no time to lose. 

Living with Intention

I am posting this assignment which contains pieces of me.

Who am I? 

I am introspective, compassionate and kind. Growing up amidst so much poverty in a third world country, I am socially conscious of the needs of others, especially children. When I was a child, I would often pass by street children and wonder why there was so much discrepancy in our lives. Why is there so much suffering in this world? How can we make a difference in their lives?

Unlike my parents who believe that success is measured by the money you make, I believe that success is measured by the difference you can make in people’s lives. Success is measured by love and faithfulness. I have strong religious values that motivate me to love those around me through actions. I am also very compassionate. Growing up as a Chinese in a Spanish country, I often found myself isolated and different from others. I have a soft spot towards outcasts and destitute people.

I am probably the most multicultural person you will ever meet. I am a Chinese with mixed Ancestry born in a Spanish speaking country (El Salvador). I am fluent in Spanish, English and Cantonese. I also speak some French (intermediate), German (beginner, reading level), Malagasy (beginner), and Mandarin (beginner). I have travelled to 16 countries, volunteered as a teacher in Fiji (for 3 Summers), South Africa (2 months) and Madagascar (2 months). I served as a President of a volunteering club at UBC called the Love Your Neighbour club, providing local and global volunteering opportunities to University students. I consider myself as a third culture kid, and I would be probably confounded if you asked me where is home.

I am poetic, talented, musical and passionate. Music and writing is what keep me alive at times. I love to write in my blog, serve as an editor for my church’s newsletter and a non-profit-organization website. I play the violin (advanced), guitar (intermediate), harp (intermediate) and I am currently receiving voice lessons from a worship educator and choral director. I am planning to learn how to conduct children choirs.

Where am I going?

In the short run, I am planning to find a job in the disabilities field (as an SEA or Career Preparation Instructor) so that I can gain valuable experience serving the community, teaching, interacting with children and adults. I am also planning to gain experience as a community developer so that I can apply those skills when I go work in third world countries. In the long run, I am planning to open a school in Spanish country or Africa. I want to help the poor to receive proper education and care so that they can achieve their dreams. I cannot remain apathetic when there is so many needs in this world. After my trip to Madagascar, I am determined to achieve this dream since I witnessed that education and love can make a big difference in a person’s life.

What challenges do I face? 

I am painfully shy. But I am working hard to overcome this weakness since I know that I will be working with people most of the time. I don’t like to talk but I am forcing myself to talk more. I also have issues with self-confidence because I have high expectations on myself. I also tend to be too hard on myself when I fail to meet my expectations. But I am trying to lower my expectations so that I can keep my feet grounded on reality.

How will I get where I am going? 

At this point, I need to work really hard to finish my CCSD programme. I am also working hard to acquire more skills that will be useful in the future to help people with disabilities. I am also working on improving my self-confidence by being more positive and pro-active in helping myself and others happy.

A message from Madagascar

Today, I opened my inbox and received a message from a local coworker from Madagascar.

Hi Karen,


How are you? Are you ok? Last Tuesday during the children's meeting we sang the song you taught us (Une Femme Oublie t-elle son nourisson). When I asked the children what's your feeling when you sing this song, the children said:

"We think of Karen."

And then I said why and they said:

"Because we miss her, and this is still her writing on the white board." 

I really hope that I can go next year again to Madagascar, and stay there for 3 months. The children have captured my heart. 

Obedience not Sacrifice

I went for a long stroll with a dear friend last Sunday.

We walked around Vancouver under the hot Summer blaze -Cambie bridge, False Creek to Olympic Village. We talked about our dreams, hopes and vision in life.

It was one of the most meaningful conversations I've ever had.

"Tell me about your dreams," he asked.

I told him about my dream of serving in the Music Ministry one day. I told him that I wanted to take singing lessons, and learn how to direct a choir because I saw the needs in Africa. I saw how music united people together. I told him about how I wanted to open a school for the poor, so that they could receive proper education, food, care and be raised in the presence of God.

He listened attentively and smiled.

As we were walking on Cambie bridge, he also told me about his dream of going to Africa and serving the poor there. But he still had to finish some things before going.

As we were walking down the bridge to False Creek he turned to me and said:

"The Lord wants our obedience and not sacrifice."

The comment caught me by surprise. I was telling him about my experience with the Lord -how He humbled my pride during my trip to Madagascar and how humility has changed my life.

I smiled and contemplated in silence as we walked down the stairs.

"Obedience not sacrifice," the words resonated through my mind.

We sat by the bench at Olympic village. He told me that as Christians, we have to pay a big price when we walk out the truth. Not many are willing to forsake the traditions of men and their pride to follow the truth. But the Lord treasures those who are willing to suffer for His name sake and the truth.

As our 2-hour conversation was coming to an end, I made a final request.

"Should we pray?"

"That Island attracts me so much."

"Should we go there?"

"Yes."

We walked to a small island near the shore. The ocean breeze blew on my face as we lifted our hands to pray.

"Lord, may you grant Karen's wish to open a school for you. You greatly bless her in her music ministry. Use her greatly."

I was completely engulfed in the presence of God. I have never felt His presence so strong before.

I rejoiced in the beauty of His holiness.

We prayed for this movement. We prayed for Africa. We prayed for the music ministry. We prayed for clarity of vision. We prayed for faithfulness and obedience.

"Lord, may you keep Karen until the end."

Missing Madagascar

Hi Folks,


I am back in Vancouver. The flight from Antananarivo to Vancouver was the longest one I have ever taken in my life. Thank God that we are back safe and sound.

My first week here has been abundant. Seeing the growth of brothers and sisters over the Summer has encouraged me a lot. The trainings are more intense, and I sense that brothers and sisters are more ready. I believe that the Lord will use Vancouver greatly to bless the world.

My mind is still flooded with memories of Madagascar. When I think of the coworkers and the children, I am motivated to work harder, share more, pray more and follow the Lord more closely.



(Pictures taken during the last fellowship. We were playing Ultimate Ninja)

Appreciation

[At Johannesburg Airport]

I was tired. I sat by the window, and watched my last African sunset. My thoughts kept stirring within me as I contemplated the last rays sinking down upon the untamed African plane.

I started to reflect upon my missionary trip to Madagascar. The image of the coworkers saying goodbye to me at the airport was still intact in my mind. I recalled their faces, their smiles and their laughter. As I was thinking of them, I opened an envelope that contained all the bookmarks and letters they wrote to me. I read them one by one, and tears started to roll down my cheeks, to the bench and down below.

“I’m blessed to have a sister like you. Lovely, simple and full of love. When I see you learn Malagasy, I feel that you have a great love. You came to share the love of Jesus, you devoted your love to the brothers and sisters and the children. Karen! I appreciate you so much. I think if no love, nothing can do. Even you are tired, but you still give. I hope that you still come back. May you remember all the happy moment with the brothers and sisters, the children, the jokes…”Za mahahelo anao (I miss you).”

Your name should be: 

Karen “fitiavana” = Karen love

And in big bold letters: LOVE NEVER FAILS.”

“I don’t know what to say. I don’t know where to start. So precious to know you and I thank God that we can be in this family. God will reward you all that you have done for Him (Church, brothers and sisters, your sincere heart and your coming in Madagascar). Really miss you. I wish that when you are in Canada you can always smile and laugh just like here. Thanks for all the food that you cooked. Thanks of helping us to paint, to lead the meeting. I have many things to share but it’s better to stop because I want to cry…

So enjoy to worship with you and hear your sharing. May the Lord use you greatly so that you can open a school just like in Tana. Keep on pursuing the Lord and He will use you greatly.”

“My dear sister Karen,

Thanks to God our Abba, to let us know each other here. I like to be with you, to talk with you and I love you so much. Without the Lord, we can’t feel the warmth of this family. I hope that we can still meet each other on the earth. I so appreciate your heart towards the Lord and your love and care to me. And even we live separately, but we still strive together for the Lord’s will! Keep in touch.”

“Our dearest sister Karen,

I’m so happy to know you and serve the Lord together. You are my encouragement. You are young and you have a very good heart for God. Your fervent heart attracts me so much. Your prayers are simple but work a lot in my heart. You are very helpful. I appreciate you so much (unforgettable!) Hope you can come again! Strive for Him!”

At this point, I was weeping. I have never received such touching letters and bookmarks in my life. The words came straight from their hearts. I kept reading the letters over and over again. I felt that the Lord was expressing His deep appreciation and love towards me through them.

I am so thankful that the Lord has given me such precious brothers and sisters to restore my first love towards Him and the Church. For the longest time, I could finally love like I have never been hurt before. Love without any fears or boundaries. I experienced brotherly love in its purest form.

Love is indeed the greatest of all. Love heals the deepest wounds. Love never fails.

And it’s in one of the poorest parts of the earth, that I have found richness in faith, love and joy. Madagascar has made me rediscover the importance of a smile, a sincere faith towards God, the beauty of living a holy life and the rich love that reigns over God’s family. And that is why I consider Madagascar one of the most beautiful places I have ever lived 

Epilogue

I came to Madagascar with 8 T-shirts, 4 pants, a heavy heart and a health condition that threatened my body and soul . Upon first arriving,  I had the courage of a 3 year-old girl in her first day of school. What will I face? Who will I meet? But my fears were deeper than that. I knew that during this trip, I had to face the Lord and myself -my weaknesses and flaws. I knew that the Lord would rebuild what was once destroyed by my lack of faith and pride.

The first few weeks were rough. I had so many doubts in my mind. Is what I am following right? I feel that I am not good enough for this trip. I had so many negative feelings.

My spiritual breakthrough was a cumulative experience. The Lord was working on my heart with the things I was seeing and experiencing in Madagascar.

I observed the young boy, who despite his difficult life without his parents, was thankful and gracious towards the Lord and those around him. I observed the glow and smile of the little girl, whose sincere faith towards the Lord has made her grow over the past few months. I observed the shy sister, who despite her silence served the Lord and His family with gladness. I observed the brothers, whose sense of humour taught me that I should probably not take myself so seriously.

I observed and meditated on these things.

The brothers' genuine friendship and affection reminded me of the things I once enjoyed in the past. I was once close to a sister. I could share, laugh and trust in her freely. I really missed having that. And it made me realize that during these 5 years in Vancouver, I have not been able to form close friendships in Church. I figured out that it's not the people around me who are cold and aloof. I realized that I haven't given people a chance to know me and be part of my life. I blocked them off all for the sake of self-preservation and protection.

Result? A lack of sense belonging at church. Going to church started to feel like a chore. It did not feel like a family to me. In fact, it felt like a place that I went to fulfil my obligations as a Christian.

And then, I reached my breaking point. One night, I listened to my favourite Sufjan Steven song. It reminded me of the person who I have dearly loved in my life. It reminded me of the time where I loved brothers and sisters at church with all my heart. It reminded me of the days in which I loved to draw near to God out of my good pleasure. Some may claim that nostalgia does more harm than good, but when I recall those moments, I think of my first love. I use it as a point of reference.

I realized that my Christian life has lost its flavour, and that this life of pride and selfishness has taken a toll on me.

I guess that my sense of pride comes from seeking affirmation and approval from others. Yet, I did not seek affirmation from the Lord or from myself. This concept had a detrimental effect on my self-esteem and my relationship with others. Before coming to this trip, I was trapped in the pit of depression and self-pity.

I then asked myself:

Is this the life I want to live?

Is what I am doing good for me?

And then I came to my senses:

Karen, what are you doing to yourself? Why have you let yourself down like this?

As I was asking these questions late at night, the Bible verses came into my mind:

"Faith is the conviction of the things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

Faith. I should truly believe in what the Lord thinks of me. I should set the truth before me. It should be the pillar of my daily life. The essence of my existence. What I am living for?

I am living for Christ.

I learned that I cannot claim my life for my life is hidden in Christ. Why would I seek my value in the vanity of this world if I gave my heart to Christ 11 years ago? In order to regain what was once lost, I need to seek the meaning of my life in Him first. And during the process, I find myself forsaking my pride, the world, feelings of unworthiness...all the things that dragged my spirit, mind and body down.

I was sanctified.

It's been 2 months since I first arrived to Antananarivo, and I'm leaving behind my clothes, 7 pounds (thanks to exercise and a healthy diet), my pride and feelings. It's been 5 years since I've been so joyful and free before men and God.

At the end of this trip, I promised the Lord and myself to stand firm in what I believe in, and that I should seek the Lord with all my heart no matter what. I promised myself not to mind what others think of me because people's views will change. But what the Lord thinks of me will never change. I promised myself to seek the truth and believe in the truth only. I promised myself that I should live my life based on two principles:

1. Love the Lord with all my heart, mind, body and might.

2. Love brothers and sisters with all my heart, mind, body and might.

I know that the things I will face in Vancouver will definitely not be easy. But I have regained what is most vital for my life -I have gained my first love towards the Lord and the Church. And that alone will sustain me.

Baptism

"We fought for your souls and we've won!' he said to all of us with great commotion.

For two years, the coworkers toiled and laboured for the souls of these children. We opened the school in 2010, and thanks to the charity work (free education and food) we have been able to bring many children and their family to Christ. Today I had the honour and pleasure to witness the baptism of the first group of children.

The day was filled with great excitment, music and the love.

Happy Birthday, Melody!

Happy birthday to my dearest sister, Melody!



Sending you lots of love from Africa.

Things I have learned

One of the joys of going on a missionary trip is learning new things. Here are some things that I have learned during my short stay in Madagascar:

Translating English hymns into French: I remember that I had the vision of going to Africa one day when I was in grade 9. So I decided to take IGCSE French, even though it was one of the dullest class in school. I never imagined that the Lord would use me to translate English hymns into French. With the help of a local sister, we have translated more than 15 songs.

Bargaining in Malagasy: Learning a new language is survival skills, I tell you. At first we bought groceries at the super market until we discovered the market. It's so much cheaper! I had to learn some Malagasy to bargain.

Teaching ESL to Elementary students: Being the shy person I am, I was terrified of teaching 15+ Malagasy students English every Wednesday and Saturday. But it's actually not that bad. I learned to use songs, games and questions to make my lessons interesting and interactive. At first, the students did not know any English at all, but they have learned some English to make conversation with the team members. Their progress is so encouraging.

How to cut a pineapple: In Fiji, I learned how to open a coconut. This time I learned to cut pineapples. Pineapples are cheap and sweet in Madagascar.

When trials sore, make yourself happy: Received a reminder? You know it's right but you're having a hard time accepting it? Buy yourself some pastry! I learned that the only person who can make you truly happy (apart from the Lord) is yourself. One of the biggest lessons I learned in this trip is to help yourself, make yourself happy so that you can make those around you happy.

Exercise: "Don't just try, DO!" This is one of the phrases that impacted me a lot during this mission trip. I've always wanted to exercise and lose weight. I would even spend time to plan my routine but I never do it at the end. But this time, I pushed myself to wake up at 6:30am to run up and down a hill for 30 minutes. Result: I lost 5 pounds. 5 more pounds to go!

Be yourself: After the recent revelation, I learned the importance of being humble and being yourself. Be happy! Laugh until your stomach hurts. Share your happy moment with everyone. Accept and love yourself because God loves you just the way you are.

Humility and Transformation

I could not sleep well last night.

Maybe it was the annoying buzz of the mosquito trapped in my sleeping bag, or my fingers itching from the bites. Or maybe it was the stream of thoughts that kept pulsating through my mind ever since dinner time.

I never met such a man like him in my life.

A deep and gentle soul rested underneath his fast-paced expressions and outgoing exterior. There was depth, richness and glory in his words and actions.

He was once shy, and looked down upon the brothers and sisters at Church. Yet it was his sincere faith and fervent love towards God that compelled him to serve the Lord in Hong Kong and Madagascar. He also faced great failures in his life, but it was his humility that lifted him up from the pit.

There was something in him that I cannot fully describe. Maybe it was his tempered gentle spirit that was so Christ-like that inspired me to believe in Him and myself again.

I am not trying to overly praise this brother. But I must say that his humility to admit past failures is quite admirable.

His life experiences made me deeply ponder upon the subject of faith.

Faith is a matter of conviction.

Again, I repeat: Faith is a matter of conviction. 

This year, I dared to ask questions that I never asked before in my life:

Do I really believe in what I believe in?

Or do I merely follow what others tell me in order to gain acceptance?

Yes, I started to question. And my spirit suffered as a result. I was like a chaff tossed unto the waves of uncertainties.

And there was another thing that contributed to my spiritual downfall without me realizing it:

I started to care how people looked at me. Specially people at church.

This concept made me do things for the wrong reasons.

I was afraid of skipping meetings because people might think that I was a bad Christian. I tried to be more involved in ministry and missionary trips to gain recognition.

And this brought me to a further point that scared me:

Pride.

Me, proud?

Yes.

Ouch.

[Yes, I cried all night when I fully realized the extent of my pride.]

And this is when humility started to kick in. It's painful when you first admit to it, but it's the first step for transformation.

I said to myself: I do not want to suffer anymore! What happened to those days when I loved to draw near to Him and go to church without any pressure? I missed those days so dearly. So I prayed to the Lord to renew me and take away my pride.

And He, like a jealous Lover, demolished all my idols and purified my inner temple.

He is the motivation of why I should draw near to Him. He is the motivation of why I should go to church and love my brothers and sisters. I said to my heart: Go to Him! Talk to Him! Cling to Him! My precious Friend who has never left my side.

I believe that the Holy Spirit has worked mightily in my heart during this trip. I can now say that Christ is the centre of my life. And it brings me such great joy when I know that my life is for Him. I no longer live for myself but for the Lord. Everything I do is for the Lord.

This conviction, this ounce of faith has brought me out of the pit of self-loath, self-pity, false humility and even self-rigtheousness. I no longer care what other people think of me, because my life is for the Lord.

All my doubts and worries were gone. GONE.

I started to feel alive again.

And I realized that there is a great joy when one does not think of oneself but of the Lord and those whom He dearly loves. This is the life that I was meant to live.

He has become my life. YES!

And this brings me to this point again:

Faith is a matter of conviction. Faith is a matter of personal choice.

And this is what I believe today: It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.

I have never been happier in my life. I have never been so close to the Lord before.

And thus, my life has been transformed!

Portrait of a Young Boy in Antananarivo

He sat in one corner of the room. His eyes were closed, his arms against his chest shivering. He rested peacefully as the congregation lifted up their hands to sing songs of praise. Yet, his blood-shot eyes kept screaming some kind of silent pain. He was not well, yet he kept still. The quietness caused a silent discomfort in the room.

“Said, do you want to take some Panadol?”

His name sounded like the wind. Say it softly; you can feel a gentle breeze blowing through your lips. Say it loudly; and it sounds like a storm blowing through desert land.  

“SAAAIIIDDD!!!”

“Yes?”

“Time to get up and go to the market. Don’t be late.”

It was still dark. He rose from the icy bare floor. He had no bed but only a simple blanket -not enough to keep him warm at night. His arms and legs were stiff with the cold as he gathered the baskets of vegetables, and set off to go sell at the market before school.

“Someone took pity of him because both of his parents are mentally ill.” the director told me as we were pacing rapidly towards the hospital.

He lived with a distant relative in a squatter house in Manjagaray. There is a tradition in Madagascar that once a relative takes in a boy; he works as a servant for food and board.  

We arrived at the hospital, and were directed to Dr. Ratakoianana office. He was lying down on a bench, the IV in one arm, a brother’s hand in the other. He had a 40 degree fever, and was in deep pain. Yet a peaceful tranquility still emanated from his face.

“Many children in the school get sick but their parents rarely take care of them. Even when they are sick, they still come because there is nothing to eat at home,” the director explained to me as we sat on the waiting room.

We waited until the last drop of Paracetamol glided through the IV into his arm. He was discharged, but the doctor recommended him to be hospitalized. She suspected that a renal failure was causing the fever.

We went to the Patisserie next door to buy some pastry for him. We were trying to decide whether to send him home or hospitalize him as the doctor suggested.

“Said, do you want to go home and ask your relatives about this matter?”

He quickly shook his head.

“No, let’s go back to church.”

“Said, are you sure?”

“Yes,” he insisted.

Once we arrived at church, we covered him with blankets. He lied down in one of the benches in the basement. The children crowded curiously around him, offering much comfort and smiles. But soon after they were told to leave him alone so that he could rest.

I came downstairs with a plate of rice and beans. As I was putting down the plate, I saw him close his eyes and smile.

He was home. And he was well at last.

Community

Community. This is a concept that I have been pondering ever since I finished my practicum as a Career Preparation Instructor early this year. Before, I thought that community was a group of people living in the same geographic location. But it goes beyond that definition. Community has a much deeper meaning. A community is like an organism that feeds, nurtures and protects all its members. No man is an island. We belong to communities.

Today, we had a graduation ceremony at the Light and Love School in Antananarivo. All the students and their parents came together to dance, sing and celebrate their appreciation to the teachers and one another. I was touched by the people's sincerity, laughter and even tears. I felt that we were more than a community. We were a family.

After the graduation, the co-workers and the missionary team came together to give thanks for the Lord's blessings in the past school year. We raised our hands and sang "Psalm 103" and "Grace upon Grace" with all our hearts. I was touched by the Lord's grace towards His work in Madagascar. In spite of our limited resources (we do not have enough money to cover the expenses), and having only 3 co-workers, we managed to provide food and education for 120 students for the past 2 years. But most importantly, we were able to bring many students to Christ.

Value System

If you had $70,000 USD in your hands, what would you do with that money?

Buy a flashy car?

Make a down payment for a new house?

Or sponsor 2 schools in Madagascar and feed 100+ students for 1 year?

See, before I used to think that money well spent was money spent on my family or myself. However, my value system has changed after this trip. I cannot stand indifferent when I see so much need and poverty around me. These students have hardly anything to eat. Some of them beg for food in the streets. Many of our students don't even have beds at home. Many of them are neglected and abandoned by their families. 

Some people may criticize that charity creates dependance. But at least we can bring these students to dignity. Who knows if one of our students become a doctor? or an engineer? or a famous preacher? or the future president of Madagascar? We are saving lives and we are giving hope to their future.

Remember, it's more blessed to give than to receive!

Tamatave

Day five. We woke up at the crack of dawn to get ready for our 8-hour journey to Tamatave, a town in the East coast of Madagascar. The local brothers and sisters came to help us carry our luggage to the taxi, and see us off at the bus stop. Blessed souls. I was touched by their affection and their willingness to help our way around town.

There is something riveting about Malagasy culture. Even at the wee hours of the morning, hawkers surrounded us offering an array of items –watches, snacks, sunglasses and even “blessings.” We kept saying no. But I must say that their persistence was admirable.  

Side note: It's funny that the local Malagasy brothers and sisters know more Cantonese than our brothers.

We’ve been previously warned that the journey would be bumpy and that most brothers and sisters throw up during the ride. I tried not to eat breakfast, and drank little water because it would be inconvenient to go to the washroom.

Turns out that the car ride was smooth and pleasant. I enjoyed watching the beautiful scenery –rolling lush hills against clear blue skies. Wild banana plantations. Rivers flowing through untamed land. And there was 80s/90s music playing in the background. You can't go wrong with that. Like one of the brothers commented, the driver had a pretty good taste. I found it quite befitting that one of Michael Jackson's old songs "We are the World" was playing in the background since we were going to Tamatave for a humanitarian cause. Hehe. 

At noon we stopped by for lunch. The restaurant was scanty, a bit too rustic for my taste. But the food was okay. They had only two items on the menu: beef and fish. For those wondering what Malagasy food is like...it's basically like Chinese food. A big heap of rice on a plate (by big, I mean humongous), and some meat and veggies as side dishes. It was a pretty good deal...$1.5 for a meal. Not bad. 

However, I’ve experienced a major culture shock during my first "African toilet experience." When the restaurant owner kindly showed me the toilet...I couldn't help myself but to look bewildered and ask..."that's it?" No hole? No latrine? There was nothing but planks of wood and the stench of urine on the floor. I quickly composed myself and yielded for necessity's sake. I must say that it was quite an experience. 

We arrived to Tamatave around 3:30pm. The local people gathered around, ready to unload our luggage and take us into their tricycles.

The sights and sounds of Antananarivo

Today was National day, and the team had the chance to venture downtown for the first time. Walking through the streets of Antananarivo felt like walking into another world. I have seen poverty back home and in other countries, but to see such degree of extreme poverty in the capital city of Madagascar was quite an experience. 

The city itself is a jumble of things. The city is embroidered with French colonial architecture. But behind the old world facade lies poverty. The old cars, the run down buildings and the pot holes convey a stagnant growth and neglect in the capital. The images of dirty streets, children with bare feet, greedy vendors and empty gazes are still imprinted in my mind.

Since she is my rose

“You’re beautiful, but you’re empty…One couldn’t die for you. Of course, an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than all of you together, since she’s the one I’ve watered. Since she’s the one I put under glass, since she’s the one I sheltered behind the screen. Since she’s the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except the two or three butterflies). Since she’s the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she’s my rose.”

The Little Prince 
--- Antoine de Saint Exupéry

Night and Day

By day the Lord directs His love,

at night His song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life. 

(Psalm 42:8)

He will never leave me. I am surrounded by His love.

Cantos Ceremoniales

Soledad           Quiero andar contigo y saber,
                         Saber por qué, y andar adentro
                         del corazón diseminado,
                         preguntar al polvo perdido,
                         al jazmín huraño y disperso.
                         Por qué? Por qué esta tierra miserable?
                         Por qué esta luz desamparada?
                         Por qué esta sombra sin estrellas?
                         Por qué Paita para la muerta?


                         ---Pablo Neruda