Wrestling with God

Is it possible,
that You planned all of this,
Before I was conceived in my mother's womb?
To endure such suffering and trauma?
What for? These 7 years were dedicated in search of You.
But instead, I've experience much disappointment and heart-break.

You knew all along. And this mystery might take years for me to understand.

I won't let go of You, until You bless me.

I'm waiting. Hear my cry. Don't be silent.

Surprised by Joy

“Who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape? The words compelle intrare, compel them to come in, have been so abused by wicked men that we shudder at them; but, properly understood, they plumb the depth of the Divine mercy. The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of man, and His compulsion is our liberation.”

---C.S Lewis

When God wants to thrill a man

When God wants to drill a man,
And thrill a man,
And skill a man.
When God wants to mould a man
To play the noblest part;
When He yearns with all His heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall praise –
Watch His method, watch His ways!
How He ruthlessly perfects
Whom He royally elects;
How He hammers him and hurts him,
And with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay which only God understands
While his tortured heart is crying and he lifts beseeching hands!
How He bends, but never breaks,
When his good He undertakes. . . .
How He uses whom He chooses
And with every purpose fuses him,
By every art induces him
To try his splendor out –
God knows what He’s about.

July

July has been an interesting month so far. I've made a conscious effort to spend more quality time with close friends as my days in Vancouver are approaching to an end. Their unconditional love and support has proven to be true and precious as life continues to unfold its setbacks and blessings. My days in Vancouver would have never been the same without them.

In retrospect, these past 7 years (2007-2014) have been a crazy chapter of my life. It has been a period of much loneliness and pain, but at the same time growth and beauty. But all in all, I am grateful for God's grace in my life. It is by Him and through Him that I am able to do all things.

2014 has been a tough year. My failings and challenges has plunged me into a dark valley. As human beings, we don't like failure. We tend to beat ourselves up: "If only I was stronger. If only I worked harder." But sometimes God allows certain things to happen so that we can dig deeper into our shadows and allow His light and grace to illuminate our lives. I've also experienced much healing and love after years of wrong concepts and trauma. God has taught me to fully embrace my humanity and limitations.

So what now? Life continues to change, and I can only surrender to God's timing and move forward. I will be leaving Vancouver at the end of the month and moving to Mexico. I will be serving as a teacher at a missionary school for one whole school year. I am grateful that He has provided me this opportunity since it has always been my desire to serve Him in the Spanish-speaking world. I will also be under the apprenticeship of experienced missionaries who are outreaching to the Mixtec community in Oaxaca.

I don't know what this next chapter will unfold. But I know that God will continue to hold my hand and guide me closer to His heart.