Epilogue

I came to Madagascar with 8 T-shirts, 4 pants, a heavy heart and a health condition that threatened my body and soul . Upon first arriving,  I had the courage of a 3 year-old girl in her first day of school. What will I face? Who will I meet? But my fears were deeper than that. I knew that during this trip, I had to face the Lord and myself -my weaknesses and flaws. I knew that the Lord would rebuild what was once destroyed by my lack of faith and pride.

The first few weeks were rough. I had so many doubts in my mind. Is what I am following right? I feel that I am not good enough for this trip. I had so many negative feelings.

My spiritual breakthrough was a cumulative experience. The Lord was working on my heart with the things I was seeing and experiencing in Madagascar.

I observed the young boy, who despite his difficult life without his parents, was thankful and gracious towards the Lord and those around him. I observed the glow and smile of the little girl, whose sincere faith towards the Lord has made her grow over the past few months. I observed the shy sister, who despite her silence served the Lord and His family with gladness. I observed the brothers, whose sense of humour taught me that I should probably not take myself so seriously.

I observed and meditated on these things.

The brothers' genuine friendship and affection reminded me of the things I once enjoyed in the past. I was once close to a sister. I could share, laugh and trust in her freely. I really missed having that. And it made me realize that during these 5 years in Vancouver, I have not been able to form close friendships in Church. I figured out that it's not the people around me who are cold and aloof. I realized that I haven't given people a chance to know me and be part of my life. I blocked them off all for the sake of self-preservation and protection.

Result? A lack of sense belonging at church. Going to church started to feel like a chore. It did not feel like a family to me. In fact, it felt like a place that I went to fulfil my obligations as a Christian.

And then, I reached my breaking point. One night, I listened to my favourite Sufjan Steven song. It reminded me of the person who I have dearly loved in my life. It reminded me of the time where I loved brothers and sisters at church with all my heart. It reminded me of the days in which I loved to draw near to God out of my good pleasure. Some may claim that nostalgia does more harm than good, but when I recall those moments, I think of my first love. I use it as a point of reference.

I realized that my Christian life has lost its flavour, and that this life of pride and selfishness has taken a toll on me.

I guess that my sense of pride comes from seeking affirmation and approval from others. Yet, I did not seek affirmation from the Lord or from myself. This concept had a detrimental effect on my self-esteem and my relationship with others. Before coming to this trip, I was trapped in the pit of depression and self-pity.

I then asked myself:

Is this the life I want to live?

Is what I am doing good for me?

And then I came to my senses:

Karen, what are you doing to yourself? Why have you let yourself down like this?

As I was asking these questions late at night, the Bible verses came into my mind:

"Faith is the conviction of the things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

Faith. I should truly believe in what the Lord thinks of me. I should set the truth before me. It should be the pillar of my daily life. The essence of my existence. What I am living for?

I am living for Christ.

I learned that I cannot claim my life for my life is hidden in Christ. Why would I seek my value in the vanity of this world if I gave my heart to Christ 11 years ago? In order to regain what was once lost, I need to seek the meaning of my life in Him first. And during the process, I find myself forsaking my pride, the world, feelings of unworthiness...all the things that dragged my spirit, mind and body down.

I was sanctified.

It's been 2 months since I first arrived to Antananarivo, and I'm leaving behind my clothes, 7 pounds (thanks to exercise and a healthy diet), my pride and feelings. It's been 5 years since I've been so joyful and free before men and God.

At the end of this trip, I promised the Lord and myself to stand firm in what I believe in, and that I should seek the Lord with all my heart no matter what. I promised myself not to mind what others think of me because people's views will change. But what the Lord thinks of me will never change. I promised myself to seek the truth and believe in the truth only. I promised myself that I should live my life based on two principles:

1. Love the Lord with all my heart, mind, body and might.

2. Love brothers and sisters with all my heart, mind, body and might.

I know that the things I will face in Vancouver will definitely not be easy. But I have regained what is most vital for my life -I have gained my first love towards the Lord and the Church. And that alone will sustain me.