Humility and Transformation

I could not sleep well last night.

Maybe it was the annoying buzz of the mosquito trapped in my sleeping bag, or my fingers itching from the bites. Or maybe it was the stream of thoughts that kept pulsating through my mind ever since dinner time.

I never met such a man like him in my life.

A deep and gentle soul rested underneath his fast-paced expressions and outgoing exterior. There was depth, richness and glory in his words and actions.

He was once shy, and looked down upon the brothers and sisters at Church. Yet it was his sincere faith and fervent love towards God that compelled him to serve the Lord in Hong Kong and Madagascar. He also faced great failures in his life, but it was his humility that lifted him up from the pit.

There was something in him that I cannot fully describe. Maybe it was his tempered gentle spirit that was so Christ-like that inspired me to believe in Him and myself again.

I am not trying to overly praise this brother. But I must say that his humility to admit past failures is quite admirable.

His life experiences made me deeply ponder upon the subject of faith.

Faith is a matter of conviction.

Again, I repeat: Faith is a matter of conviction. 

This year, I dared to ask questions that I never asked before in my life:

Do I really believe in what I believe in?

Or do I merely follow what others tell me in order to gain acceptance?

Yes, I started to question. And my spirit suffered as a result. I was like a chaff tossed unto the waves of uncertainties.

And there was another thing that contributed to my spiritual downfall without me realizing it:

I started to care how people looked at me. Specially people at church.

This concept made me do things for the wrong reasons.

I was afraid of skipping meetings because people might think that I was a bad Christian. I tried to be more involved in ministry and missionary trips to gain recognition.

And this brought me to a further point that scared me:

Pride.

Me, proud?

Yes.

Ouch.

[Yes, I cried all night when I fully realized the extent of my pride.]

And this is when humility started to kick in. It's painful when you first admit to it, but it's the first step for transformation.

I said to myself: I do not want to suffer anymore! What happened to those days when I loved to draw near to Him and go to church without any pressure? I missed those days so dearly. So I prayed to the Lord to renew me and take away my pride.

And He, like a jealous Lover, demolished all my idols and purified my inner temple.

He is the motivation of why I should draw near to Him. He is the motivation of why I should go to church and love my brothers and sisters. I said to my heart: Go to Him! Talk to Him! Cling to Him! My precious Friend who has never left my side.

I believe that the Holy Spirit has worked mightily in my heart during this trip. I can now say that Christ is the centre of my life. And it brings me such great joy when I know that my life is for Him. I no longer live for myself but for the Lord. Everything I do is for the Lord.

This conviction, this ounce of faith has brought me out of the pit of self-loath, self-pity, false humility and even self-rigtheousness. I no longer care what other people think of me, because my life is for the Lord.

All my doubts and worries were gone. GONE.

I started to feel alive again.

And I realized that there is a great joy when one does not think of oneself but of the Lord and those whom He dearly loves. This is the life that I was meant to live.

He has become my life. YES!

And this brings me to this point again:

Faith is a matter of conviction. Faith is a matter of personal choice.

And this is what I believe today: It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.

I have never been happier in my life. I have never been so close to the Lord before.

And thus, my life has been transformed!