2016 review

This year has finally come to an end. Overall, it was a tough year but a good year because I learned a lot of things. My perspective in life has changed and I have learned to be more positive and resilient.

Here are some of the few things I have learned:

Do not let negative people/energy into your life: Your time on earth is short and sacred; too short to let negative people suck the energy out of you life. This year I had to let go of certain "friendships" because they were toxic and harmful. Pain is pain. And pain acts as a sensor that something is wrong. If someone is constantly causing you pain or draining your energy, it's time to reconsider and drop them like it's hot. Protect yourself from these people. Listen to your intuition.

Your actions define you: I've been reading Marcus Aurelius' meditations lately and one of his quotes struck me -"A man's life is defined by their actions." Talk is cheap. If you want to achieve something, set your thoughts and plans into motion.

See the positive in everything: Always see the silver lining in tough situations. Positivity changes everything.

Treasure your true friends and family members: Because life is hard and they are probably the few people who will support you and have your back when things get rough. My best moments in life come from when I am surrounded with my loved ones.

You came to earth for a purpose: I recently went to visit a friend in Guatemala. She is a fashion blogger and has recently started designing handbags. She shared with me how much fulfillment she found by expressing her art and passion through her designs. On our way to a restaurant, we stumbled across an artist that painted birds for a living. We were admiring his art and he muttered the words: "you came to this earth with a certain set of strengths, and once you find your strengths and use them for a greater good, you have found your purpose and work will not seem like work at all." He shared about how he started selling his art out of necessity, but also because it was his passion to share his art with others. "Now my birds are all over the world," he said with a deep sense of satisfaction. He has been painting birds for 37 years. My friend bought one of his birds for me. She was touched and inspired by his words that she insisted him to keep the change. It's amazing how something so simple like painting birds and his words had an impact on our journey.

Fruition

The semester has come to an end, the grades are in and I'm finally back home visiting family for a few weeks.

As an educator, the most rewarding aspect of my job is to see the meaningful connections and learning made by my students. My focus is to apply language skills in real life situation and develop their critical thinking. For example, we worked in preparing a UN debate where they compiled data and facts and used them to build an arguement. We also watched and analyzed the US presidential debates. The students enjoyed it very much and it's wonderful to witness their growth and motivation.

Birthday card that my students made for me. One of the messages read:
"Thank you for teaching me something useful for life."

Next year, I am planning to go to Cambridge for a two-week course in Literature. I was also invited to a conference in Bógota, Colombia (COMIBAM) to join 2500 missionaries on a series of workshops, panels and meets-and-greets. I'm also planning to attend IB workshops and continue to equip myself as an educator.

This year's biggest lesson was to never give up hope. Even though God may shut a door, He will surely open one that it's a better fit. Moving to Costa Rica was the best decision I made, and I'm so thankful for the sunny and beautiful weather and places I get to visit.

Next year will be an exciting one. Let's all hope for the best. 

Sketches

"Thinking back, it was all about them and not Christ; their plight, their persecution, their suffering, their tears, their Malaria, their near-death experience, their cause, their charity, their songs, their published books. Rarely did they mention about God's kindness or forgiveness, but rather they judged and shunned those who did not agree with them. It was as if those childhood wounds and lack were screaming behind their faces, whining and begging the admiration, pity and submission from others. It was awful."

Spiritual Abuse

I am officially coming out as a survivor of spiritual abuse. For many years, I was in a spiritual abusive Church. It was a toxic environment -always expecting, demanding and demeaning others.

Spiritual abuse is quite common nowadays and it's unfortunate that many leaders choose to abuse other members using God as their justification. They think that they will never face the consequences but God is a God of justice. I am sure they will pay back for their actions one day.

Anyways, I am glad that I am out of that environment and will never EVER go back.

This is a letter I recently wrote to the elders denouncing this leader's actions:

Dear elders in Hong Kong,

I am writing to express my deep disappointment towards VC. For many years, I dedicated a lot of time and effort towards building the Church by going to missionary trips (Fiji, South Africa, Madagascar), supporting the work in different University campuses in Vancouver and helping out in the music ministry. However, as time went on I found that VC abused her power as a leader and has built an environment of fear and intimidation in the Vancouver Church. 

· I personally shared about experiences to her. But then, she publically shamed me in front of brothers and sisters during meeting time by forcing me to share about my experiences. It was very humiliating.

· After my trip to Madagascar, I got sick from a stomach bacteria. I had to go back home to Central America. During that time, VC emailed me asking me if she could rent out my apartment and use that money. I told my parents and they were disgusted by her level of abuse. Why would the Church encourage this kind of behavior of taking advantage of the sick? She then asked me to delete that email and to never mention it again. 

·I took the decision to leave and cut all contact with the Church in Vancouver, but she continued emailing me. It’s called harassment. 

I would like to denounce her actions as detrimental and hurtful to others. I left Church because of the unhealthy environment and abusive leadership. I hope this will bring some corrective measures and a formal apology.

Sincerely,

Karen

Life lately

Life has been good in Costa Rica. I am liking my job at the International School so far. Last week, we had a Model United Nations with my Grade 8. They did a splendid job debating and presenting their speeches.

I have been meditating about the changes in my life lately. There has been a lot of crazy changes, but I am glad that God has encouraged me to take risks and try out new things and meet new people. Moving to a new country is not easy but I rely on His grace and abundance. I know that He has the best in store for me.

All I need is to trust Him. Oh He loves me so...

Pictures of life in Costa Rica:

Sunflower

I wrote this poem for my highschool bestfriend a while ago. 

Sunflower
(To the girl with wings)

Child of light. Your laughter infects
My heart, my mouth is turned upside down.
Naïve like a child. Purity untouched.
Yet not innocent. Tempest is aroused when
Your deepest feelings are hurt.
Sunflower, Heart of Gold,
How bold!
But weak, defenseless, vulnerable without the Sun.
Without God.
Sunflower, my dear. Cast your eyes to Christ,
Our Lord.

May 22nd 2006

Matthew 7:15-20

Be wary of false preachers who smile a lot, dripping with practiced sincerity. Chances are they are out to rip you off some way or other. Don’t be impressed with charisma; look for character. Who preachers are is the main thing, not what they say. A genuine leader will never exploit your emotions or your pocketbook. These diseased trees with their bad apples are going to be chopped down and burned.

Adventure

People wonder why I am not pursuing after money or settling down with marriage and kids. Truth is, beneath my quiet exterior I have a crazy adventurous soul who has preached the Gospel in gas stations in Fiji, helped out in a AIDS stricken slum in South Africa, taught and loved street children in Madagascar, organized a camp in Costa Rica, lead a missionary team to an orphanage in Honduras, played the violin at a Christian Symphony, hiked the mountains in Totonicapan, Guatemala to an indigenous village and now I am teaching at an International School in hopes of empowering young people, educating about social justice and having more crazy adventures with God. Someone today asked me if I wanted to volunteer today at a soup kitchen that helps prostitutes to dignity. My heart leapt. But then I remembered that I had a ton of planning to do...

I am not perfect. Far from it. Yet from my youth I learned the true value of compassion and service for the broken and those who Jesus love. I try my best to love.

The past few years I have experienced grave disappointments with religious leaders. I have been squandered for money while being sick after a missionary trip to Madagascar (which of course I refused and then she asked me to delete the email and not share it with others!), witnessed unjust acts of excommunicating members and abuses of power. Yet they won't stop me. Jesus warned us about the Pharisees and corrupt religious leaders during the latter days. I am thankful that I am out of that place and free to be myself.

The Gospel of Matthew and books by Brennan Manning have inspired me to this day. I hope that God may continue to use me wherever I go and that one day I may write spiritual books to heal and inspire others.

Nota

Aléjate de las personas que te hacen daño.

Postscript

My Summer trip has come to an end. Within 48 hours, it will be the start of a new page of my life. I am moving to Costa Rica for a full-time teaching position. And I am planning to stay there for three years or so. But before that happens, a candid reflection as of lately---

This trip ranged from taking a 5-hour road trip to Tofino talking about preaching styles amongst Evangelicals in El Salvador, discussing about representations of hyper feminity and hyper masculinity in our culture, kayaking in one of the pristine lakes in the Pacific Northwest, seeing one of my high school best friend after 3 years, touristing around Lamma Island, getting lost in the middle of the night in Hong Kong while drinking Black Sesame VitaSoy, getting a Lymphatic massage out of a groupon deal, rushing to the airport with my BFF, flying back to Vancouver, staying at a sketchy Air BnB place (which included Spiders, yikes!), bumping into YouTubers at the Richmond Night Market and catching up with a group of friends that were my support group during my post-college years while drinking a variety of Pale Ales and Hipster Beers in Olympic Village, Vancouver.

At some point, this trip reminded me of Pedro Paramo -a book we read back in the good ol' IB days. The book accounts of a character who revisits his past through his encounter of people from his past in Comala. The book is not written in chronological order, and it's like a puzzle for the reader to decipher Juan Preciado's life. And like this book, during this trip I revisited places and people from key moments of my past -a highschool friend, a college friend, an orchestra friend, church friends, etc. It was interesting to see how much I have changed, how people have change and how things have changed. There were moments when God spoke to my heart that helped me heal and let go of demons from the past. This trip provided closure.

And this trip also made me also reflect about the crazy multicultural life I have, the awesome friendships God has given me over the years, my love for rich and deep intellectual conversations and the things I want out of life. And this is what I want - an open mind, a thirst for knowledge and newness, good relationships, an adventurous spirit and a zest for growth and life. 

A rebirth.

Viva la Vida.

Tofino

There is something healing about spending time in nature in the company of a close friend.

Tofino was bliss.

Conversations

It was one starry night in the mountains of Pachuchup, Guatemala at the indigenous village that we were serving last year in which I found an answer that shed light into my heart. After much *itching and ranting, this phrase came from a complete stranger, whom I barely met a few days ago, hiked for three hours in the wilderness and shared a meal or two of tortilla, beans and chicken soup. This phrase was uttered with such an unapologetic grace and compassion enough to remind myself to forgive mine and other's vilest transgressions and that God's fierce and tender love engulfs our whole entire race.

"Because we are human."

Flow

Recently, I have been reading Frequency: The Power of Personal Vibration and it has given me powerful insights about life and relationships. Here are some realizations that has rummaged through my mind as I have been reading:

At every point in our lives, there is always a source of pain and a source of pleasure. There is always a challenge to teach us a lesson, and blessings to inspire us gratitude. These two forces are always present to propel us to continually transform and grow as human beings. 

The grass is never greener on the other side. The situations are designed to change you, and not the other way around. There is no point in resisting but to surrender and accept your situation. Once you learn to let go, it is easier to let the flow of life guide you to where you are supposed to be.

Life always has its ways of shaping you. 

Life is a continuous flow.

I Found My Way

"A Golden voice said to me
try to stand, don't try to flee
Oh, Oh..."



This song has been played on repeat for days.

In other news, I will be flying to Vancouver and Hong Kong next week! It will be 17 full days of non-stop travel. I will be meeting up with close friends and venturing to new places (aka Tofino). Look out for new travel blog entries.

And after all the hectic travelling, I will be moving to Costa Rica to teach full-time at an International School. Hopefully, this will give me space to grow as an Educator and Writer. You can't stop this gypsy from moving/travelling!

Also, you should visit my new website. 

The Music of the Spheres

The Music of the Spheres has been a subject of fascination of mine ever since I've encountered the topic in one line of my favorite hymn ("This is my Father's World") and in Fray Luis de Leon's poetry. Today, I came accross Johannes Kepler's text on The Harmonies of the World as I have been dvelving deeply into Astronomy/Astrology lately. Kepler highlights with great mathematical precision the geometrical beauty and harmonical placement of the planets. I love how he refers to God as 'The Artisan'.

So here I leave you with a piece of 'Celestial Lore'...

IN THE CELESTIAL HARMONIES WHICH PLANET SINGS SOPRANO, WHICH ALTO, WHICH TENOR, AND WHICH BASS?

Although these words are applied to human voices, while voices or sounds do not exist in the heavens, on account of the very great tranquillity of movements, and not even the subjects in which we find the consonances are comprehended under the true genus of movement, since we were considering the movements solely as apparent from the sun, and finally, although there is no such cause in the heavens, as in human singing, for requiring a definite number of voices in order to make consonance (for first there was the number of the six planets revolving around the sun, from the number of the five intervals taken from the regular figures, and then afterwards—in the order of nature, not of time—the congruence of the movements was settled): I do not know why but nevertheless this wonderful congruence with human song has such a strong effect upon me that I am compelled to pursue this part of the comparison, also, even without any solid natural cause. For those same properties which in Book III, [300] Chapter 16, custom ascribed to the bass and nature gave legal grounds for so doing are somehow possessed by Saturn and Jupiter in the heavens; and we find those of the tenor in Mars, those of the alto are present in the Earth and Venus, and those of the soprano are possessed by Mercury, if not with equality of intervals, at least proportionately. For howsoever in the following chapter the eccentricities of each planet are deduced from their proper causes and through those eccentricities the intervals proper to the movements of each, none the less there comes from that the following wonderful result (I do not know whether it is occasioned by the procurement and mere tempering of necessities): (1) as the bass is opposed to the alto, so there are two planets which have the nature of the alto, two that of the bass, just as in any Mode of song there is one [bass and one alto] on either side, while there are single representatives of the other single voices. (2) As the alto is practically supreme in a very narrow range [in angustiis] on account of necessary and natural causes unfolded in Book III, so the almost innermost planets, the Earth and Venus, have the narrowest intervals of movements, the Earth not much more than a semitone, Venus not even a diesis. (3) And as the tenor is free, but none the less progresses with moderation, so Mars alone—with the single exception of Mercury—can make the greatest interval, namely a perfect fifth. (4) And as the bass makes harmonic leaps, so Saturn and Jupiter have intervals which are harmonic, and in relation to one another pass from the octave to the octave and perfect fifth. (5) And as the soprano is the freest, more than all the rest, and likewise the swiftest, so Mercury can traverse more than an octave in the shortest period. But this is altogether per accidens; now let us hear the reasons for the eccentricities

---Johannes Kepler in Harmonies of the World (1619)

Till we have Faces

"It was when I was happiest that I longed most. It was on happy days when we were up there on the hills, the three of us, with the wind and the sunshine...where you couldn't see Glome or the palace. Do you remember? The colour and the smell, and looking across at the Grey Mountain in the distance? And because it was so beautiful, it set me longing, always longing..."

----CS Lewis in Till we have Faces

Conversations

"Guys your age are mensos. They are only interested in pursuing one thing. Don't be afraid of leaving bad relationships. You will fall in love many times in your lifetime. The most important thing is that you figure out who you are and what you want."

----El Maestro, Huatulco 2013

This conversation has stuck with me and has taught one of the most valuable life lesson than any textbook I've read in school - never be afraid of leaving bad relationships.

The best educators are the ones who teach you about real-life. I am grateful for encountering such gems in my life.

Free Bird :)

My best friend's mom showed me this song on our way to San Miguel during one of their missionary trips. It has stuck with me ever since.

Never give up your freedom.

"And this bird you cannot change."

Danse Sacrée et Danse Profane

I'm obsessed. 

Humanness

"For those who feel their lives are a grave disappointment to God, it requires enormous trust and reckless, raging confidence to accept that the love of Christ knows no shadow of alteration or change. When Jesus said, 'Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened,' He assumed we would grow weary, discouraged and disheartened along the way. These words are a touching testimony to the genuine humanness of Jesus. He had no romantic notion of the cost of discipleship. He knew that following Him was as unsentimental as duty, as demanding as love. He knew that physical pain, the loss of loved ones, failure, loneliness, rejection, abandonment, and betrayal would sap our spirits; that the day would come when faith would no longer offer any drive, reassurance, or comfort; that prayer would lack any sense of reality or progress; that we would echo the cry of Teresa of Avila: 'Lord, if this is the way you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few!'"

----Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

This year has been probably the hardest year of my life so far. Before, I used to wonder why would people abandon God or quit Christianity altogether after going through a rough time. But you don't truly get it until it hits you. Until God has stripped everything precious and dear to you - your dreams, hopes, close family ties and leave you nothing but (physical) heartbreak and disappointment.

This is when your faith is tested. 

This is when shit gets real.

Alchemy

Our lives are fluid. Our experiences in the physical world is constantly shaping our worldview. Lately, my worldview is evolving into a more holistic view rather than binary one. And rather than getting into the "right" side of things -being right/wrong, good/bad, success/failure, etc...I have come to accept everything as a whole.

Suffering and pain is part of the process of becoming, and rather than avoiding them all together by numbing or distracting, I've learned to fully embrace those feelings and 'feel' all my emotions, no matter how painful or hard they are. I'm no longer resisting against unfortunate events, but I am actively seeking redirection. Everything works for my good.

Whenever my close friend and I tell each other about our problems, we remind ourselves to listen to our bodies and honour our emotions. What are our emotions telling us? How is our intuition guiding us to do? What are other's perspective about the issue? What can we do to solve the problem?

And this brings us to this point -we are called to become Alchemists. We can choose to transform darkness into light, negative experiences into positive lessons, past brokeness into wholeness through self-compassion and so much more. This magical ability to transform brings healing to ourselves and others.

So here I am, trying to explore and love the darker and broken sides of me and bringing them into light.

I am in the process of becoming an Alchemist.

An ode to God's Tenderness

The Earth is filled with God's kindness!
Breaths of life ignite nature's joyous morning rapture.
The dews of dawn -drops of silver over glades of green,
Glide down to nourish the dry thirsty ground.
Soft, soft bright light that meets the darkened soul of the night,
Buoyantly drives darkness to shyly retreat
Behind the curtains of purple, orange and gold.
And like a silent song, like a loud dream,
The earth and sky bespeaks of God's tenderness
Like a Mother soothing her newborn babe,
Like a Father gently wrapping His arms
During His childs's hour of sorrow, brokeness and loss.

Saturn Return

Life has a funny way of kicking my shins once in a while and remind me not to take myself seriously when things fall apart (Chinua Achebe, anyone?). I am currently experiencing a Saturn Return, which means that Saturn has returned to the same place in the sky that has itself occupied at the moment of my birth. Before you accuse me of being supersticious and believing in all that mumbo jumbo Astrology, I cannot find a more logical explanation behind of what is happening currently in my life.

The Universe is showing me some tough love.

Belief systems that I have previously held are put into question during this period of my life. I can see why so many Christians leave Church or abandon their faith in their late 20s or early 30s. Poignant idealism cannot solve life's major problems. And at this point, I have experienced a number of disappointments by Christians, specially by money/power-mongering "Christian" leaders. I am taking some time to re-evaluate and reflect my whole faith/life experience. In other words, I am coming out as a non-religious Christian (oxymoron much?), which means that I am retaining my faith but I am more skeptical on man-made religious structures and norms.

Career: There may be a possibility that I will transition from a teaching career into a publishing career. Don't get me wrong, I like teaching but I love writing and editing.

Family Relations: I've come to accept that nobody is perfect and there will always be a degree of dysfuntionality in each family. Generally, people do not hurt out of maliciousness but are motivated by other personal reasons. All I can do is acknowledge the pain, forgive, set boundaries and move on. Why dwell in the pain? Why be nice to the person who mistreated you? Shessh, seriously you don't deserve that crap. Just move on.

Love Life: To love yourself remains imperative for a healthy love life and sane existence.

Beware of Narcissists: Ha. Ha. I have well learned my lesson. Don't fall in love with one, and if you do...run to the hills!

I am done with being "perfect": Let's face it, we are inherently flawed and broken as human beings. I am done with striving for perfection (as opposed to the more religious and younger version of myself). I just want to be authentic and happy.

This Saturn Return has urged me to re-examine certain beliefs and goals in life. I often lay awake during dark hours trying to answer the question: Am I living out my purpose on earth? AM I? AM I? (Okay, don't stress about it).

Our late 20s is a tough season for most of us. And I totally understand why some people go into drug addictions or weight gain. Or why Britney Spears shaved her head in 2007. No judgment zone. You are allowed to go a little bit crazy...just remember to bounce back.

"Sometimes it's best to let things fall apart so better things can fall together." ---Marilyn Monroe

Blue Ridge Mountain

In honor to that moment where I dove deep down into the troughs of life and reemerged alive and stronger. 

María

Esta canción me recuerda de mis tardes en Oaxaca caminando hacia el Zócalo. ¡Cómo extraño esas tardes! Daría lo que fuera para vivir en Mexico.

When God is silent

When God is silent,
My whole heart stirs
In confounding motion.

Yet He seems absent,
Distant almost...
As my unanswered prayer stalls in still commotion.

Eli, Eli...Lama Sabactani.

Heaven-Haven

I have desired to go
Where springs not fail,
To fields where flies no sharp and sided hail,
And a few lilies blow.

And I have asked to be
Where no storms come,
Where the green swell is in the havens dumb,
And out of the swing of the sea.

----Gerald Manley Hopkins