Wrestling with God

Is it possible,
that You planned all of this,
Before I was conceived in my mother's womb?
To endure such suffering and trauma?
What for? These 7 years were dedicated in search of You.
But instead, I've experience much disappointment and heart-break.

You knew all along. And this mystery might take years for me to understand.

I won't let go of You, until You bless me.

I'm waiting. Hear my cry. Don't be silent.

Surprised by Joy

“Who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape? The words compelle intrare, compel them to come in, have been so abused by wicked men that we shudder at them; but, properly understood, they plumb the depth of the Divine mercy. The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of man, and His compulsion is our liberation.”

---C.S Lewis

When God wants to thrill a man

When God wants to drill a man,
And thrill a man,
And skill a man.
When God wants to mould a man
To play the noblest part;
When He yearns with all His heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall praise –
Watch His method, watch His ways!
How He ruthlessly perfects
Whom He royally elects;
How He hammers him and hurts him,
And with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay which only God understands
While his tortured heart is crying and he lifts beseeching hands!
How He bends, but never breaks,
When his good He undertakes. . . .
How He uses whom He chooses
And with every purpose fuses him,
By every art induces him
To try his splendor out –
God knows what He’s about.

July

July has been an interesting month so far. I've made a conscious effort to spend more quality time with close friends as my days in Vancouver are approaching to an end. Their unconditional love and support has proven to be true and precious as life continues to unfold its setbacks and blessings. My days in Vancouver would have never been the same without them.

In retrospect, these past 7 years (2007-2014) have been a crazy chapter of my life. It has been a period of much loneliness and pain, but at the same time growth and beauty. But all in all, I am grateful for God's grace in my life. It is by Him and through Him that I am able to do all things.

2014 has been a tough year. My failings and challenges has plunged me into a dark valley. As human beings, we don't like failure. We tend to beat ourselves up: "If only I was stronger. If only I worked harder." But sometimes God allows certain things to happen so that we can dig deeper into our shadows and allow His light and grace to illuminate our lives. I've also experienced much healing and love after years of wrong concepts and trauma. God has taught me to fully embrace my humanity and limitations.

So what now? Life continues to change, and I can only surrender to God's timing and move forward. I will be leaving Vancouver at the end of the month and moving to Mexico. I will be serving as a teacher at a missionary school for one whole school year. I am grateful that He has provided me this opportunity since it has always been my desire to serve Him in the Spanish-speaking world. I will also be under the apprenticeship of experienced missionaries who are outreaching to the Mixtec community in Oaxaca.

I don't know what this next chapter will unfold. But I know that God will continue to hold my hand and guide me closer to His heart.

Conversations

[From last night's sharing at Church]

"One of my biggest regrets in life is that I never said 'I love you' to my dad. Upon my second year as an International student in Canada, my father passed away. I always regretted not thanking him enough or telling him how much I loved him. He was a good man. He did so much for his family. I know that in some cultures, specially in Chinese culture, people are not as expressive. They show their love through actions, but not words. But make sure you tell your parents how much you love them, because it might be your first and last time."

Mastercraftsman

[A free sonnet. A response to the Mastermind behind the trials and pains of life]

Who made You? Who knew You before the world began?
You are, You were and You will be
Forever God; my beloved Maker.
Such knowledge is too precious for me.
Far reaching, most glorious source of all life.
Thou hast known me, searched me, loved me.
And Thou hast poured Your grace
Overwhelmingly, fiercely towards me.

Who else could have planned
For me to uncover the furious love of God,
During the darkest hours of life?
Masterpieces of thoughts, excellent co-ordination of events,
Answered prayers, softened and thankful hearts,
Manifested in the intrinsic eternal (in)visible reality of our love.

[i stand in awe and deep surrender.]

[Changes, transition stage]

Funny how God, our Father, knows about our needs before we ask.

It's really foolish to doubt on His love and rely on our self-sufficiency. After all, He is God; the great I AM. He will surely provide.

There are major changes happening in my life. This year will mark the end of a major chapter in my life. It was about time. Praise God.

I'm moving on.

I'm curious how things will turn out and how much I will change after this experience.

Let's hope for the best.

Kandom note: I have this verse tattooed on my mind
"Happy is he, who trusts in the Lord." (Proverbs 16:20)

Conversations

[At a Hipster café with El Maestro]

"Maybe you haven't got to know that part of yourself because you haven't taken the risk to do so yet. As the years pass by, you will soon realize who you are, and what you are capable of. Life is transitory in nature, and we are constantly in a flux of change. Our thoughts and priorities change. Maybe we will meet again in 10 years, and be like, 'remember how we were like back then?' Oh, and we will laugh at the stupid mistakes we made and be glad how much we've changed and matured. And that's life. Yeah, that's life."

I smile and breathe, trying to savour this moment of aliveness.

Midnight conversations

(Or rather a disjointed monologue while you were sound asleep)

"Logic is based on premises.

And we know that these premises are true based on the innate understanding and discernment that our conscience provides.

Therefore, we must believe in what is true in order to act rationally and to "make sense" of things.

And the reason why we think or act irrationally might be because our belief system of the world has been thwarted by past learning experiences.

Yet irregardless of our perception or mindset, the universe remains the same. What affects our experience of our existence is our choice in what we believe.

There are certain truths that will never change. And we must align our belief system to these truths in order to maximize our joy and potential as human beings.

For example, the existence of God.

The truth that God is love. The truth that God loves you, and has the purest and noblest intentions for your life.

The fact that we were created to glorify, worship and love God.

An error to our belief system leads us to folly. Therefore, unbelief is the root of sin.

Thus, faith is so important. And faith constitutes believing and acting to what is true.

The human experience is rooted on faith.

I just had an epiphany."

Prayer

Dear Lord,


I do not ask for money, nor men's praise. I do not ask for success.

I ask that you sweep my feet away with radical amazement. May You fill my life with wonder. I want to be amazed by Your personal love towards me.

Woo me back to Your loving arms.

Enamorame.

Renewal

“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”
― Gerard Way

A whisper from the Universe

"I think you are wonderful, but you don't know that about yourself yet."

Spring Break

Conversations

[With dad. We were eating fried fish and rice.]

"The issue of making mistakes is not the mistake itself. There is nothing wrong in making mistakes. What is important is to learn from them and move on."

I love my dad and the deep realizations that he brings me with our conversations.

Conversations with the Father

[While listening to the music of the night, I converse with God]

Dear Father,
My desire is to live an authentic life
that drives me closer to You.
Even as I struggle with feelings of
Inadequacy
Fear
Pain
I have decided to let go
and pursue
The mature path
The narrow path
and grow.

My earthly daddy told me today
To seek understanding.
Understanding and reason will set me free.
(He echoed Your words in Proverbs 3)
"Be wise in your life, my daughter.
Don't be foolish.
Be hardworking and embrace life as it is.
It is no coincidence that you were born into this life,
The heavens will teach you,
Don't be afraid,"
He said.

As an idealist, it is hard to translate my ideals into actions.
It's hard to express myself.
But my intentions are pure.
Teach me, Father, Your ways.
And I will gladly obey.

Thank You for giving me such a good earthly father.

His love and wisdom is a reflection of You.

Meditations on the Father

"God as Father, as source, as guide, as comforter; these are the inner resources with which a man can withstand the mass assault of the world. And this is no mere figure of speech ---it is actual fact. The man of faith is aware of the solicitude, the compassion, the deepseated support of providence in innumerable silent ways even when he is attacked from all sides and the outlook seems hopeless.

God offers words of wonderful comfort and encouragement; he has ways of dealing with the most desperate situations. All things have a purpose and they help again and again to bring us back to our Father."

-----Alfred Delp,
A Jesuit priest facing the inevitability of death in a Nazi concentration camp

"Even our most intimate, unique experiences happen in our life because they encounter similar ones in other men, and thus meet themselves. The history in which we live our common life together is the place where everyone finds himself. Now there we may find a man who called simply the Son and who said "Father" when he expressed the mystery of his life. He spoke of the Father when he saw the lilies of the field in their beauty, or when His heart overflowed in prayer, when He thought of the hunger and need of men and longed for the consummation that ends all the transitoriness of this seemingly empty and guilty existence. With touching tenderness He called this dark, abysmal mystery, which He knew to be such, Abba. And He called it thus not only when beauty and hope helped Him to overcome the incomprehensibility of existence in this world. but also when He met the darkness of death and the cup which was distilled all the guilt, vanity and emptiness of this world was placed at His lips and He could only repeat, the desperate words of the Psalmist: "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me!" But even when that other, all embracing word was present to him, which sheltered even this forsakenness: "Father, into Thy hands I commend my life."

----Karl Rahner, in his book Grace in Freedom.

My favourite prayer for this year has become "Father, Father, I love You. Hear my tender cry." Upon facing seemingless and poignant situations, my heart can only find refuge and comfort in the Father arms.

His words, His promise

"And you my dear, shall live abundantly."

God promised us abundant life.

Yet it is our choice to fully believe in His words and live out this truth.

Chiapas

After the end of our teaching program in Oaxaca, a few of my friends and I embarked into an adventure in Chiapas, a Southern state in Mexico.

The beauty of Chiapas is astounding.

Places we visited: 
-San Cristobal
-Agua Azul
-Palenque
-Tuxla Gutierrez (which included a free entrance to the Zoo)
-Cañon del Sumidero

The fun part of the trip was the spontaneity factor. We basically planned this last minute. We stayed in $11 Hostels, hopped into a bus that got us to the waterfalls and ruins. We got free entrance to the Zoo, and laughed our hearts out watching animals frolicking around.

I love traveling.

Conversations

[While driving through a freeway in North Carolina]

"Many times, parents hold on to a lot of guilt -that they did not raise their kids well, did not spend enough time with them, etc. And as their children, we also carry a lot of that emotional baggage throughout our lives. The best thing you can do is to forgive your parents, let go of that baggage and live your life. Parents are also humans. They are not perfect."

You cannot change the past. But you can change how your past affects your present.

Love yourself and others wisely.

Let go of that pain. 

Nomad

Moving, drifting, traveling,
Resting, asking, walking.
Living, eating, drinking,
Talking, pausing, thinking,
Being.