Meditations on a Thursday Evening

Life is too short to worry about what other people think about you.

Eternity is too long to live with regret.

Life is a fraction of eternity, yet it is the most decisive time period of our human destiny.

So what really matters in life?

I was thinking deeply upon human motives and actions. Motives can be driven by fear or passion. Sometimes we dare not to do or say things because we are afraid of what other people think about us. But does it really matter? So what if someone thinks lowly of you? What's so great about criticism?

And the people who are courageous to live out the truth and their dreams are the people who have transformed our world.

Think of Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Joan d'Arc - they defied their fears and their critics.

Truth and love will always triumph.

Live to what is true. Be honest to yourself.

Think, think deeply.

Un pensamiento

La vida Cristiana es alegre, sana, abundante y llena de gozo. No debería de ser pesado o llena de carga.

Si tu no estás feliz, examina tu camino. Encomienda tu camino a Dios y Él hará.

Dios quiere gracia y no legalismo. Una relación y no religión.

Tu fe es reflejado en tu vida.

Piensalo.

Conversations

[With a friend, at our usual coffee place]

"Why do we always want to be somewhere else that is not here?"

"We think that the grass is greener on the other side."

"I read from Horace that no one is quite happy with the life he has chosen or stumbled upon."

"But if you really think about it, life is okay here in Canada. You're safe. You have food, water and shelter. You should be happy."

"That's true."

"I realized that you can control your thoughts. Whenever you think you would be happier elsewhere, try to rephrase your thoughts. Think more positively."

Becoming

I was thinking about my life goals today. After coming back my trip to El Salvador and Honduras, I have been thinking a lot about the future. How do I envision myself in 3-5 years time?

-Responsible Educator
-Passionate Thinker
-Preacher
-Creative Writer

There are a lot of things going on. I got sick on Friday night...I haven't been so ill for such a long time. I guess all the work/study/travelling does wear one off! But I give thanks that God gave me precious brothers and sisters to take care of me. I feel better today, but I still need more rest.

Thank you for your prayers!

Para una verdadera amiga

Son personas como tú que hacen mi vida más feliz. Gracias por valorarme por quien soy. Gracias por estar tan pendiente de mi bienestar y felicidad. Eres un sol. Mi compañia en mis momentos de soledad. Mi alegría en esta ciudad tan fría.

Gracias, amiga por ser tan especial. Tu bondad me ha inspirado a ser una mejor persona. Contigo he logrado olvidarme del pasado y ser más fuerte.

Gracias por existir.

New

I have come to a point in life that I have fully come to realize what it is to

Be alive.

To breathe in and breathe out, and be completely content with life.

The past year has taught me lessons that I have never learnt before. Trials tend to push you to the brighter side of life.

I give thanks for all things.

Though my past may be plagued by negativity and sorrow, I promised myself to forget the past and march on. There are greater things ahead.

I promised myself to live and believe in the truth only.

And there is a moral dimension in believing in what is true. It brings joy to the soul, light to the mind and goodness to the heart.

For the new year I want to be closer to God and build more meaningful relationships with those around me. I plan to exercise more, eat healthier and take good care of myself. I want to learn more things, do more, give more and take more risks.

Basically, I want to live life to the fullest.

The Honduras that I never met

She held my hand and would not let go.

She led me downstairs to the main hall. We were sleeping over that night. The little girl, barely 3 years old, gave me a tour around the orphanage.

Situated in the lofty mountains of Reynel Funez, the orphanage serves as a home to 26 children aged 3 to 20. Many of these children were neglected and abandoned by their parents from a very young age. My heart was moved by compassion as I listened to their heart-breaking stories during our short visit.

"I lived in the cemetery. My parents would often bind me up and beat me up with chains."

She lifted up her shirt and showed us her scars.

Honduras is known for being the most violent country in the world. The country has been governed by corruption and political instability during this past decade. These problems, together with people's indifference has instilled an attitude of apathy towards these social problems.

There were scenes during my stay that stirred many feelings within me:

The teenage girl walking under the rain begging for money in the streets. 

The drunkard scavenging for food in the dumpster near the place we were staying. 

The silent pain and longing for love from the gaze of a child in the orphanage. 

There were moments of frustration as I saw this happening. I have seen poverty in El Salvador but to see such degree of poverty happening to our Honduran neighbours was quite overwhelming. And to see that the lack of education and opportunities trapped these youths into the poverty cycle was quite sad...to say the least.

I talked to Isaac and Olga, the home parents, during my last day in Honduras. I expressed my interest in opening a school in Central America with the purpose of preaching the gospel, and empowering students for change with quality education and good values. They said that there is a great need in Honduras. The educational system has been downgraded by the lack of resources and poor administration from the government. Teachers and students have been affected. Because teachers are not paid, there are no classes. And with no classes, there is no education. 

But I believe that there is hope. With God everything is possible. It was very encouraging to see that there are still good-hearted individuals like Isaac and Olga who are willing to sacrifice their life to offer a home to these girls. Their job is not easy, but they do everything out of love. They have inspired me to answer my calling. And if God has called me for His will, He will be responsible to the end.

We love because He first loved us (1John 4:19).

A kind of beauty I have never seen before

Yesterday I went to the Ancient Mayan Ruins (Ruinas de San Andres) with my best friend to celebrate Baktun. 

The celebration marked the end of the Mayan Calendar and welcomed the dawning of a new era. It was amazing to see people coming together to celebrate a culture that has been suppressed by the government for almost a century. And it is interesting to see how the Indigenous identity has been revitalized by activists and passionate individuals in the recent years. One of my cousins is working with bilingual schools that teach Spanish and Nahuatl to small indigenous communities.

This event made me appreciate a kind of beauty that I have never seen before. I've been much exposed to consumer culture all my life. And according to consumer culture, the definition of beauty and wealth is prescribed by the material things you own. However, I find that this construction of meaning rather artificial and fake. And I have also observed that Salvadoran culture in particular, tend to imitate the American hegemonic culture.

I have come to appreciate the natural beauty that surrounds us. I have come to appreciate the spirit of giving and family that unites us as a country. I have come to appreciate that we do not need much to make us happy. It is possible to be perfectly content with the little things we have.

Sometimes we have to lay aside our ethnocentric views to appreciate a kind of beauty that we may have never seen before.

Home and Family Revelations

According to the Mayan Calendar, it's the end of the world but I'm extremely happy. 

By extremely happy, I mean waking up in the morning and smiling to myself because I can enjoy the warm weather and the sweet company of my family.

Being home has made me deeply reflect on the things that God has given me. I cannot help but give thanks all the time.

Both of my parents are alive and healthy. They are able to support me in my studies. I have an extended  family and friends who love me and appreciate me (and vice versa). I have enough food, water and a cozy bed to rest at night.

It's the end of the world but I have never felt so content in my life. Hehehe.

Just a few days ago I visited my grand-aunt (my grandmother's sister) and my cousin at their home. She showed me my great-grandmother's picture and told me stories about her.

She was born in Mazatan, Mexico...a small agricultural town in Chiapas near the border of Guatemala. She met my great-grandfather (a Chinese merchant) and moved to El Salvador because he liked it there. After some time, they decided to move to China with their 10 children to settle. Sadly, my great-grandfather died of some pulmonary disease leaving 10 of their children fatherless. She made the difficult decision of going back to El Salvador taking only 2 children with her. She always planned to go back but due to the circumstances (World War 2, money), she had to stay in El Salvador.

The rest of the children were raised by my great-grand aunt (my great-grandfather's sister) who was a school principal. She opened a school during the Second World War! My dream is deeply related to my family.

Another interesting thing that I found out about my family is that we have Spanish and Jewish ancestry. According to some records, my ancestors were Jewish people who lived in Southern Spain (near Andalucia).

Therefore, I have a quite mixed heritage. And I am entitled to carry a Spanish last name (since Jewish people pass on their last names through their mothers).

It's so interesting to find out things about your family that you never knew before. Who knew that I have Jewish ancestors? Who knew that my great-grand aunt was a school principal? I am so proud of my family heritage. And I think that I will embrace my Spanish side more and more. 

Meditations on a Tuesday Afternoon

For years I was deceived and blind.
Yet beneath my timid exterior, rested a strong and beautiful spirit.

I was asleep in the dark but Your truth shone through.

I wandered, and You found me.
I hungered, and You fed me.
I was dirty, and You bathed me.
I was tired, and You gave me rest.
I was homeless, and You made a home in me.

You have been good to me, O Lord.

Let not my spirit depart from Thee.

Sketches

[On a mountain, we gaze at the Beloved City]

"We have come a long way, my Lord."
"You are finally home, My dear."
"The journey was rough, but beautiful nonetheless."
"You have been faithful."
"I wouldn't have made it without You."
"It was worth the pain."
"No pain, no gain."

[He takes me by the hand and we enter the Pearly Gates
The saints and angels gladly rejoice at our entrance.]

A New Name

Will Thou give me a new name?
For my old self hath passed away.
Thou hast broken me, destroyed me and renewed me.
Thou hast loved me, healed me and lifteth me.
I am a new creation -transformed by beholding Thy truth and beauty.
I am the most lovely bride; a reflection of Thy love and glory.
Bright Star - thou shinest hope to all lands.

[Revelations 2:17]

The Midwest

I flew early morning to the Midwest.

























 Along the way I met up with one of my best friends from Primary. We had lunch at Mickey's, one of the famous diners at St Paul.

We had a major catching-up session. He told me that he was doing his PhD in Princeton. He shared with me his passion for Near Eastern studies, his fascination towards the transantlantic correspondence between Latin America and the Middle East, the influences of Positivism and how it shaped Latin American society in the 18th-19th century, the latest political crisis in El Salvador. I was happy for him. I told him about my plans of opening a school in Latin America with the hopes of innovating the education and future of poor children. He gave me good and practical advice. I realized that we have changed, but we were still the same...nerdy, kind and funny old selves.

We rented a car and drove south to a small town called Winona, where my other best friend resides.

The ride was an adventure. I haven't driven for months, so I was out of practice. It was raining, cold and dark. At some point we thought that there was a flat tyre. But at the end we made it. My friend received us with a hug, a smile and a plate of turkey accompanied with side dishes of Thanksgivings goodness.

We shared, conversed, laughed and had an amazing time over the course of three days. This break was much needed. I realized that I haven't felt at home for the longest time. Even though the blistering cold of the Midwest was hard to endure, the warmth of that unconditional love and friendship that sustained us throughout the crazy years in High School was still there.

Among the many topics that we covered during our conversations, these are the main ones that left me in deep thought:

Social Consciousness and Responsibility: We grew up in a society that valued position and appearance a lot. Our classroom was a microcosm and a reflection of the class-based Salvadoran society. We talked about the past injustices and exclusions made by teachers and certain classmates. And many of those interactions contributed to our insecurities. To be honest, I felt that we were never accepted because we were perceived as a the nerdy kids. You had to act and dress in a certain way to be part of the popular crowd.

This brought us to the point of social consciousness and responsibility. All our actions and words bear consequences. And a lot of the people in school (I don't know if they were aware or not), did things that hurt others and brought consequences to their development. For example: humiliating a child in front of the class for a petty thing, excluding a classmate, and so on. Of course, nobody is perfect, but we must be conscious that our actions do bring consequences.

Educators and leaders should be responsible to create safe spaces for growth -free of bullying, back biting and gossip. Turning a blind eye or neglecting a problem is just as bad as hurting others. The pattern is hard to break, but the only way to do so is to set a good example to others by being kind, respectful and fair to everyone. If there is a problem, we should deal with it right away.

Autonomy: We have come to a stage in our lives that we are making decisions that will affect our future paths. We are no longer under the loving guidance of our parents, nor are we specifically bound with responsibilities such as family/children. It's a confusing age to begin with...and I am still trying to decipher my identity.

I have had a series of epiphanies this year that made me realize the power of human autonomy (thanks to Hebrews 11, reading CS Lewis and John Piper). Will power and desire can bring tremendous changes when used for good. A lot of people do not realize their value and the impact that they can bring to their communities. Therefore, their existence rests in passivity. Many times they are bound up with negativity, society's expectations and past troubles. I was one of those people, but thank God that my eyes were opened through faith. That's why it's so important to live in the truth. The truth will set you free.

You are the author of your own life-story. God gives you the choices and opportunities, but you are the one who makes decisions.

Acceptance: There is a great need in the human psyche for love, acceptance, respect and appreciation. Problem behaviours arise when these elements are lacking. For example, some children skip school because they are not accepted by their peers. Couples may have problems in their marriage because there is a lack of appreciation. Communities disintegrate when there is a lack of love.

Of course, we have to accept that we are not perfect. Human beings are flawed in so many ways. That's why we need God's love to heal our brokenness. When we are satiated in His love, we can bring love and acceptance to our community. Love brings the best out of us.

It's interesting to see that the three of us grew up with the same kind of values and ideals but we have taken different paths. One friend is doing his PhD and pursuing Academia and Law as a career. The other one is living a life of voluntary poverty and hospitality. He volunteers at a homeless shelter for the Catholic Workers and is planning to open an organic farm the next year with some friends. And I am kind of in the middle. I am a pursuing a teaching career with the hopes that one day I will open a school in Latin America.

The three of us are thinkers, idealists, writers and kind-hearted people. I am glad that God crossed our paths in the past.

This trip has made me reflect deeply in how I should live my life. I have matured. I have grown. And there are greater things to come. This is just the beginning.

Photos for your enjoyment: 

I had the wonderful opportunity to meet John Piper. His book 'Desiring God' changed my perspective in life. To pursue God is to pursue true joy. As Christians, it is our duty to delight in Him first.

Monday Evening Meditation

Have you ever wondered why were you born in this age? Why are you in this particular place? Why are you surrounded by these people?

What is life? It is like vapour. Two seconds and we evaporate to eternity.

Your days are numbered. You only live a set amount of years.

What are you going to do with your life?

Do you realize that you are the author of your life-story?

You are destined for great things.

But remember, you are who you choose to be.

[Meditation inspired by Psalm 90 and James 4:14]

Meditations on a Friday Morning

[Conversing with God in the Garden, our Secret Place]

"I've been thinking a lot about You and the people of this generation lately.

People of this generation demand true friendship and love when they lack these qualities themselves. They are restless, often distracted. And they forget of what is essential in life.

Some chase after the wind. They spend their life pursuing temporal pleasures and hoarding on money. At the end they are starving for love and meaning.

Why would people seek their own treasures when You are the source of all treasures?

[I paused. And grieved.]

And some people misunderstand You. They blame You for their troubles and sufferings. They don't really know You, and yet they slander against You. Some treat You as a gene thinking that their wishes will come true when they pray to You. So many people take You for granted.

And they often forget that You are a Person with feelings.

(How will they feel if someone treated them that way?)

Oh Lord, how do You bear with humanity? You have been so patient with us. 

How many people truly understand Your heart?

Remember that I am Your friend. I want to be close to You.

Keep me till the end."

My true friend

[A little Haiku for a true friend]

Years have passed,
and I have not yet found a friend
Like you.

Such friend
who sought me in trials,
and rejoiced with me.

Such friend
who taught me the value of beauty,
deep thought, truth and honesty.

The only way
That I can relive such friendship and love
Is to become a friend like you.

Tibi Ipsi Dic Vere

To thine self be true

There is a great joy of being yourself.

To be free from wanting to be someone else, to be free from other people's expectations, to be free from wanting to fit in, to feel completely comfortable in your own skin, to be accepted for just the way you are is a great blessing.

This world is constantly trying to steal our identity, and bombarding us with false precepts of the things we should attain: money, materialistic things, fame and power. But these things have no real permanence. Will these things make you happy? It will pass away one day. It's a real pity to see people pursuing after these things. But it happens. It's their choice.

This year I made remarkable discoveries about myself:

-I am a very loving, affectionate and generous person.
-I am honest and genuine. I am terrible at lying and pretending to be someone I am not.
-I have a very intimate relationship with God and that is what keeps me strong in life.
-The only way that I can find myself is through faith in God and His promises.
-I cannot spend long periods of time by myself. I need friends...inside and outside church. I love to socialize and I learn the most from conversations.
-I am a good and loyal friend. I try to give my best to others.
-I don't live for myself. I live for God.
-I am more Latina than Asian. And that's totally fine because I come from a mixed heritage. I am multicultural and open-minded.
-It's okay to be emotional because that's how God created me and I am a woman. The most healthy way to channel my emotions is through writing.
-I love reading and playing music. Because I am an introvert I need some time alone to recharge by doing the things I love.

To be honest, I haven't felt so happy and comfortable for the longest time. Maybe ever since I was 14? Something happened when I was 15 that made me negative and depressed all the time. But thank God that He healed me. Thus, I can finally be myself again. I think it is partly because I am finally able to forgive others and forgive myself, and partly because I have a strong support system.

God created you. And He loves you the way you are. He wants you to embrace your true identity and be happy the way you are. Accept yourself, forgive yourself and be true to yourself.

Anita

"I heard that you opened a school in India."

She smiled and invited me to sit with her. The sound of chatter and laughter travelled around the room as the sisters were having dinner before their cell-group. It was a typical chilly Wednesday evening. 

"Nice to meet you, I'm Anita."

I have met many Christians before, but to meet such a rare and beautiful soul was uncommon. We instantly made a connection. She volunteers as a houseparent and as a professional development coordinator for teachers in a school in Jangareddigudem, Andhra Pradesh. Basically, she helps run the school and takes care of 17 children at the children's home. 

She told me that this was her dream ever since she was a teenager. There were two paths that she could take: 1) to live a conventional life in Vancouver (settle down with a good job and drive a Toyota Yaris) or 2) Go to a third world country and do great things for the Lord. She chose the latter. She shared how the Lord slowly redirected her to accomplish her dream in the recent years. While she was working as a teacher in an International School in Dalian, China, she met a group of Christians that introduced her to an organization in India. The organization already bought a plot of land for further development. After a year, she raised enough funds to build a school. She later quit her job as a teacher in order to devote her life to God and these children. 

"What an amazing courage and faith," I thought to myself as she recounted her experiences and how she lived under $50 a month. She mainly used this money to buy extra vegetables and fruits to keep herself healthy. It has definitely not been a smooth journey for her. She told me about the cultural and language barriers, the loneliness, the tests of faith...

She also told me about the reverse culture shock she has been experiencing after coming back to Vancouver for a short visit. One of her relatives invited her to an expensive dinner. As she was eating Abalone and Shark Fin, she thought about the children, and how much help they could receive from the money she was spending that night. Tears started to well up in her eyes. From her face, I could see that she had an immense and genuine love towards God and these children. 

The conversation left me in deep thought. It made me think about my value system. When I went home that night, I quickly rummaged through my music box and looked at my jewelry. I own too many necklaces. I looked at my closet. I have many beautiful clothes. I looked at my fridge. There is a lot of food. There is nothing wrong of dressing well or eating well, but to hoard God's blessings and not share it with others made me feel uneasy. The little I can give can be a great blessing to a child in India. The money that I spend for a dress can sustain a child's food and education for one month. 

Jesus only owned 2 garments on earth. Yet He freely and generously gave His love to the people around Him. At least enough to feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. 

Anita's story also made me think that one day I will leave my comforts permanently. I have been to many missionary trips before, and I've suffered countless of flea bites, sickness and whatnot. But that was only temporal, because I knew that at the end of the day, I still had my ticket to fly back to Canada. It also made me seriously think: Am I ready for this? Am I ready leave my comfortable life to serve Him full-time? Am I willing to commit my whole life for His work? 

I know the answer already. God's love demands our all. He already gave His life for us, shouldn't we also give our life for Him too?

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, 
but whoever loses his life for me will find it (Matthew 16:25).

Quote

The loneliest people are the kindest, 
The saddest people smile the brightest, 
The most damaged people are the wisest. 
All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer 
the way they do.

Let me be to Thee as the circling bird,

Let me be to Thee as the circling bird,
Or bat with tender and air-crisping wings
That shapes in half-light his departing rings,
From both of whom a changeless note is heard.
I have found my music in a common word,
Trying each pleasurable throat that sings
And every praised sequence of sweet strings,
And know infallibly which I preferred.

The authentic cadence was discovered late
Which ends those only strains that I approve,
And other science all gone out of date
And minor sweetness scarce made mention of:
I have found the dominant of my range and state -
Love, O my God, to call Thee Love and Love.

Gerard Manley Hopkins

Kandom note: I miss those days when my friends and I recited poems to each other, played tetris and talked about the meaning of life at the back of the school pool.