Top Moments of my Life

If my life was a movie, here would be the top moments that has significantly marked me:

Going through High School with my Besties- much laughter and deep conversations

My first mission trip in El Salvador that ignited a passion to go to all nations!

Graduating with these goofs. Good times.

Visiting my best friend in Winona. Learned all about Dorothy Day and Morality during that trip

Field School in Oaxaca, Mexico! Learned lots about Oaxacan Culture and teaching ESL

Seeing my good friend during a music tour in Virginia

Conversations with El Maestro about life, humanity and education. Super enriching.

Visiting the Johnsons at Winston Salem. Learned all about Moravian culture,  sugar cakes and Duck Dynasty!

Joining the Nahuat Collective. I discovered that I have a deep connection towards indigenous culture.

I pray that I may continue to encounter amazing people in my life. I live for those moments

Mysterium Tremendum

"According to Rudolph Otto, the reason is mysterium tremendum, that sense of tremendous mystery that surrounds our every thought of God, our every prayer to him. Beyond faith, trust, love, peace and joy, we sense an element of bewildering strength - a strength so great that it would be humanly impossible for us to create, invent or manufacture such experience. For one reason it may come sweeping like a gentle but relentless tide, saturating the mind and heart in a self-forgetting spirit of profound worship.

At other times, the force of mysterium tremendum may erupt like a volcano, surging from the depths of the soul in spasms and convulsions. It may lead to intoxicated frenzy such as that experienced by the sixteenth-century mystic Philip Neri, who would press his hands with all his might against the walls to forestall spiritual inebriation, levitation, or ecstasy. At still other times, the force of mysterium tremendum may become the hushed trembling and speechless humility of C.S Lewis, who was "surprised by joy." Whatever the nature of the experience, we stand in the presence of mystery inexpressible, above all creatures and beyond all telling.

It is the decisive inbreak of God into our personal history, the transforming moment when tenderness is no longer congruent with our perception of reality; the felt intimacy of a bygone faith is inappropriate to the present parameters of spiritual experience; "Abba," "beloved Father," "brother Jesus," and "gentle Spirit" have become dry words, vacant images that resonate no more in the inner sanctum of our heart. Those words and images have served their purpose as anthropomorphic pointers to the reality of Too-Much-Love that lies beyond, and tenderness is redefined as mercy.

When that moment of truth arrives we no longer have any resources to resist the imperious summons of mystery, no credentials of independence to flash. The moment of truth has arrived."


-----Brennan Manning
The Wisdom of Tenderness: What Happens when God's Fierce Mercy Transforms our Lives

Mission trip to Pachuchup

You are Enough

A lot of things has happened during my 20s that has taught me to become a stronger person.

There will be people who will treat you indifferently or take advantage of you or make you feel less, but one thing I've learned is that you do not have to take any of that crap. The best thing is to walk away from those toxic relationships and not look back.  

Remember: Toxic relationships drain your energy. Positive relationships energize you.

Stand up for yourself.
You are enough.
You do not have to jump hoops to gain people's approval
You deserve love and belonging like any other human being.

This is something I always teach my students - to value themselves and have self-respect. And I always try to defend those who are bullied/marginalized in class. It brings me so much healing when I love and teach my students this way. 

Conversations

"Enamorate...enamorate muchas veces, Karen. Vale la pena amar y perder.
Pero no te cases joven...los chicos de tu edad son unos mensos.
Aprende mejor a vivir tu vida. Aprende a amarte a ti misma."

---El Maestro durante unas de nuestras conversaciones en Huatulco, Oaxaca
Diciembre 2013.

Routine

It's been 9 months since I moved back home.

A lot has happened during these 9 months. I got my first full-time job as a teacher, I met someone and there has been spurts of growth in my professional and personal life. 

But at times, I miss traveling and the thrill of adventure. Back in Canada, my life was unpredictable  and somewhat nomadic. I would spend 3 months studying, 2 months traveling, 2 months home, etc etc. I loved the experience of adapting, learning and the sense of newness that traveling and moving brought me. Being home offers me stability, but at times, it feels boring. Stagnant almost.

I long to travel again.

Conversations

"Ms Chang, I want to quit the Symphony after my first day."
"Why?"
"I was humiliated and I played alongside the younger kids. I felt bad."
"Let me tell you my story: I stopped playing the violin for three years when I first joined the Symphony. I was rusty and inexperienced compared to others. Like you I felt bad, but I didn't give up. I practiced and even went on tour to Washington DC. Growth starts outside of your comfort zone."
"Mhmmm."
"Do you like challenges?"
"No."
"Do you want to become a mediocre violinist?"
"No."
"Then, don't give up."
"Thanks, Ms Chang. I will take up the challenge."

The One who governs Dreams

"The One who governs dreams, and gives
Us everything we need, and lives
On ev’ry inch of ground we tread,
Will be with you. You will be led;
And lest you feel alone, he spoke
These words, ‘My soul will not revoke
The promise I have made. Go now."

------John Piper in Esther

Dear M

Dear M,


I saw your father today. He came to the restaurant and ordered food. I barely recognized him...he looked much different since I last saw him in 2007, when he came to pick you up from German classes. His hair was grey, and he sighed for you.

I felt his pain.

We talked about you - about your wonderful way of living life, your smile, your accomplishments at such a young age. Even though we met briefly in life, you taught me so much with your joie de vivre attitude. The day I found out you passed away in a car accident, I cried on the bus.

I cried some more today after talking to your father. He reminded me so much of you.

The world misses you. God was gracious in creating a person like you.

Radically Transformed [and Amazed]

It's been a while since I last wrote in my blog. A lot of things have changed over the course of these past months.

My life has been deeply transformed by God's grace. He continues to [radically] amaze me with His love and blessing towards me. He has given me a full time job as a Secondary Teacher at a Christian School, a wonderful earthly beloved and beautiful friends. My understanding towards life and humanity has deepened as I experience an abundance of love from others.

Everyday, I hear God whisper to me: [[[You are so well-loved.]]]

No longer do I dwell in a legalistic Christian mind-set -on judging others or seeing the world as a place of right/wrong. Or wasting my energy complaining or worrying about my future. But rather, I have learned to embrace life and humanity as it is. I've learned to love freely and dearly towards those around me, specially my students. I feel more free, joyful and nourished by imitating and giving God's love towards others. 

Words from the Beloved

[While I was meditating during the deep hours of the night]

"Will you let go of the past to embrace new beginnings?"

"Let go of them, because I have greater things ahead for you."

"Let go."

Day of the Dead

Day of the Dead (Día de los Muertos) is a pertaining tradition within the Chang Family. Ever since I was a child, I remember waking up early to visit the graves of my deceased relatives. This day carries a symbolic meaning to my family, since it's the only day of the year in which we honour our migrant ancestors who spent their entire lives sojourning for the livelihood of their families. 

It also happens to be one of those rare instances where members of my immediate family spend time together (we lead very busy lives). To be honest, nothing compares to the sight of your Asian dad pouring liquor over a deceased Salvadorean president's grave to celebrate the fact that "he was generous with us Chinese." Nor the sight of your Asian aunt getting jealous over her husband as he pours liquor over the grave of his 'almost girlfriend' while fondly reminiscing moments when they worked side by side back in Communist China.

Themes of transmigration, diaspora and identity came into my mind as we visited the different grave sites. As a child, I did not realize the importance of family oral tradition and honour. Yet as an adult, I know that these factors play an important part in my identity. 

Photos to commemorate our visit:

My Mexican Great-Grandmother's Inscription

Family's Tomb

A myriad of artifacts that represent bits & pieces of family history: a Spanish Church

A Chinese Pagoda, An Airplane.

Family Breakfast at the Pollo Campero in Metrosur

Update on life

My sincere apologies for disappearing from the blogosphere, but life has been crazy busy! Here is an update of my current life situation.

Due to family and personal reasons, I decided to come back home (El Salvador) instead of taking a full-time teaching job in Mexico. August was a stressful month, but I give thanks to God that I took the best decision for my family and me.

Here are some highlights during my absence (September-October)

-My brother got married!
-I am playing at the Christian Symphony as a violinist after a 10-years hiatus. We had a concert last Friday.
-The Symphony will be going on tour in December in Washington DC! One of my close friends in Seattle will be joining us too.
-I got a part-time job as an English Teacher at a Language School. It's been a great learning experience so far. I am thankful for supportive colleagues and a friendly environment.
-I am taking intensive French lessons and I'm planning to become fluent during the next year and half.
-I am taking cooking classes and it's great fun.
-I started a food blog with my cousins. It's still under construction.

Please pray for:
-Emotional and spiritual healing after an unpleasant Church experience in Vancouver.
-I can find a new Church community where I can find love, encouragement and spiritual growth.
-Personal and professional growth.
-A full time teaching job for January - June 2015.

Hopefully, I will be writing more this month. Stay tuned!

Costa del Sol

Tlaxiaco

Letter to my Dad

亲爱的爸爸,
今年对我来说很不容易，我从来没有想过 那成熟的过程 也可以这么痛苦. 这是我很难用言语表达, 但在我内心谨记着你的话。 今年我辍学, 今年我分手了, 今年我失去了一个兄弟, 今年我从教会失去了我的朋友 并且在加拿大忍受了太多的寂寞 不过，我记得你的话 信仰 最重要的是信心 请耐心等待 我可能不会很成功 但我相信我在生活中有一个更高的目标 的宗旨，以造福他人 父亲，虽然我无法表达你的话 但我是那么爱你 你一直是在我身边的唯一 总是安慰我 总是在那里给我建议 你总是充满智慧 我很荣幸能有你做我的爸爸 你有这样一个伟大的心 我想像你一样 谢谢你养育我了 感谢您的支持与厚爱 感谢您对我的信任 我很感谢你对我这么多爱

Lessons

This year has been possibly the hardest year of my life, but it has also been a year of learning, beauty and growth.

-I finally gathered the courage to tell my parents how much I love them. I am afraid that I will miss the chance if I don't tell them.
-My heart has been broken, mended and broken again. All in all, I learned that I cannot love someone else unless I love myself first.
-I learned to ask for help. We all need it.
-I've learned to see the best in others.
-It's important to surround yourself with friends who fill you with positivity and laughter. And it's equally important to let go of people who harm you.
-Morality is fixed in this universe. Right is right. Wrong is wrong. It's futile to justify our mistakes or wrong thinking.
-Negative thinking takes as much time and energy as positive thinking. So why waste your energy when I can use it for better things?
-Things tend to go wrong when I don't plan and think ahead.
-As long as God is with me, there is always hope. Do not despair.
-I've learned to forgive, let go and move on.
-If I am not willing to change for my good, it's my loss.

Resilience

Here is a post dedicated to one of the strongest woman I know.

A woman who has endured:
-The Cultural Revolution
-Moving into one of the most dangerous countries in the world
-Marriage and raising 2 children while running a business
-Cancer (x2)
-Hard work for her family.

Your smile and strength continue to be my inspiration.

Wrestling with God

Is it possible,
that You planned all of this,
Before I was conceived in my mother's womb?
To endure such suffering and trauma?
What for? These 7 years were dedicated in search of You.
But instead, I've experience much disappointment and heart-break.

You knew all along. And this mystery might take years for me to understand.

I won't let go of You, until You bless me.

I'm waiting. Hear my cry. Don't be silent.

Surprised by Joy

“Who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape? The words compelle intrare, compel them to come in, have been so abused by wicked men that we shudder at them; but, properly understood, they plumb the depth of the Divine mercy. The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of man, and His compulsion is our liberation.”

---C.S Lewis

When God wants to thrill a man

When God wants to drill a man,
And thrill a man,
And skill a man.
When God wants to mould a man
To play the noblest part;
When He yearns with all His heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall praise –
Watch His method, watch His ways!
How He ruthlessly perfects
Whom He royally elects;
How He hammers him and hurts him,
And with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay which only God understands
While his tortured heart is crying and he lifts beseeching hands!
How He bends, but never breaks,
When his good He undertakes. . . .
How He uses whom He chooses
And with every purpose fuses him,
By every art induces him
To try his splendor out –
God knows what He’s about.

July

July has been an interesting month so far. I've made a conscious effort to spend more quality time with close friends as my days in Vancouver are approaching to an end. Their unconditional love and support has proven to be true and precious as life continues to unfold its setbacks and blessings. My days in Vancouver would have never been the same without them.

In retrospect, these past 7 years (2007-2014) have been a crazy chapter of my life. It has been a period of much loneliness and pain, but at the same time growth and beauty. But all in all, I am grateful for God's grace in my life. It is by Him and through Him that I am able to do all things.

2014 has been a tough year. My failings and challenges has plunged me into a dark valley. As human beings, we don't like failure. We tend to beat ourselves up: "If only I was stronger. If only I worked harder." But sometimes God allows certain things to happen so that we can dig deeper into our shadows and allow His light and grace to illuminate our lives. I've also experienced much healing and love after years of wrong concepts and trauma. God has taught me to fully embrace my humanity and limitations.

So what now? Life continues to change, and I can only surrender to God's timing and move forward. I will be leaving Vancouver at the end of the month and moving to Mexico. I will be serving as a teacher at a missionary school for one whole school year. I am grateful that He has provided me this opportunity since it has always been my desire to serve Him in the Spanish-speaking world. I will also be under the apprenticeship of experienced missionaries who are outreaching to the Mixtec community in Oaxaca.

I don't know what this next chapter will unfold. But I know that God will continue to hold my hand and guide me closer to His heart.

Conversations

[From last night's sharing at Church]

"One of my biggest regrets in life is that I never said 'I love you' to my dad. Upon my second year as an International student in Canada, my father passed away. I always regretted not thanking him enough or telling him how much I loved him. He was a good man. He did so much for his family. I know that in some cultures, specially in Chinese culture, people are not as expressive. They show their love through actions, but not words. But make sure you tell your parents how much you love them, because it might be your first and last time."

Mastercraftsman

[A free sonnet. A response to the Mastermind behind the trials and pains of life]

Who made You? Who knew You before the world began?
You are, You were and You will be
Forever God; my beloved Maker.
Such knowledge is too precious for me.
Far reaching, most glorious source of all life.
Thou hast known me, searched me, loved me.
And Thou hast poured Your grace
Overwhelmingly, fiercely towards me.

Who else could have planned
For me to uncover the furious love of God,
During the darkest hours of life?
Masterpieces of thoughts, excellent co-ordination of events,
Answered prayers, softened and thankful hearts,
Manifested in the intrinsic eternal (in)visible reality of our love.

[i stand in awe and deep surrender.]