Quote

The loneliest people are the kindest, 
The saddest people smile the brightest, 
The most damaged people are the wisest. 
All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer 
the way they do.

Let me be to Thee as the circling bird,

Let me be to Thee as the circling bird,
Or bat with tender and air-crisping wings
That shapes in half-light his departing rings,
From both of whom a changeless note is heard.
I have found my music in a common word,
Trying each pleasurable throat that sings
And every praised sequence of sweet strings,
And know infallibly which I preferred.

The authentic cadence was discovered late
Which ends those only strains that I approve,
And other science all gone out of date
And minor sweetness scarce made mention of:
I have found the dominant of my range and state -
Love, O my God, to call Thee Love and Love.

Gerard Manley Hopkins

Kandom note: I miss those days when my friends and I recited poems to each other, played tetris and talked about the meaning of life at the back of the school pool.

A letter to Madagascar

I just received an email from a sister in Madagascar. I quickly wrote back with what was in my heart. 

Bonjour ma chere souer!


Je pense toujour de votre belle couer et des enfants. Tu me manques trop! Je rêve beaucoup les jours en Madagascar. Ton amour pour les enfant change ma vie. Les enfants change ma vie. 

After I came back from Madagascar, I've been inspired by the children to be close to God. You have no idea how much this trip has affected my pursuit, vision and love towards God and the people around me. I wake up early to draw near to God first thing in the morning. I try to be more generous and forgiving (inspired by you, ma belle soeur) towards brothers and sisters and everyone around me. I try to be more lively, genuine and sincere to those around me. And I try to make more jokes to make people happy. But most of all, my faith has grown and I have a greater burden to love this family. I believe that God will use me greatly.

I am learning to sing from a choral director. I am planning to put together a children's choir if I ever go back to Madagascar. And I am learning Mandarin. A friend lent me her French textbook to brush up my French. So many things has happened! I came back so changed! No more depression or anxiety. I am more joyful and generous. Finally, I've found my true self (thanks to you and the trip!)...and I am so happy to be so close to God and brothers and sisters. 


I often talk to T and M when I see them in Church. We had good fellowship in Madagascar. Whenever we come together, we talk about you and the things in Madagascar (Tsaramasu, tsara be...among other things lol). You are in my prayers and thoughts.

Send my kind regards to the brothers and sisters and the lovely children. Your smiles still dazzle in my mind now and then. 


Karen

Better is one day in Your Courts than a Thousand Elswhere

[Flashback Madagascar]

We went to a picnic at the King's palace on our last Wednesday in Madagascar. The children arrived early, anticipating much fun and excitement with the team and one another. I enjoyed every single moment of the trip. The kids sang all the way from the school to the palace. They sang songs in Malagasy, French and English (including the songs I taught them). We then played, had lunch, toured around the palace, took pictures and played again.

The girls kept holding my hand while showing me around the palace and telling me "I miss you." I replied in Malagasy "za kou" (me too).

That day will surely remain unforgettable.

Sketches

(Matthew 25:5-13)

"Quick! He cometh!"
"Where's the oil?"
"Wake up!"
"Hurry up, adorn yourselves."

"Look, He is opening the door."

Light enters and penetrates every dark corner of the room. The Bridegroom joyfully comes to receive His bride.

He shuts the door. Some are left behind.

There is no time to lose. 

Living with Intention

I am posting this assignment which contains pieces of me.

Who am I? 

I am introspective, compassionate and kind. Growing up amidst so much poverty in a third world country, I am socially conscious of the needs of others, especially children. When I was a child, I would often pass by street children and wonder why there was so much discrepancy in our lives. Why is there so much suffering in this world? How can we make a difference in their lives?

Unlike my parents who believe that success is measured by the money you make, I believe that success is measured by the difference you can make in people’s lives. Success is measured by love and faithfulness. I have strong religious values that motivate me to love those around me through actions. I am also very compassionate. Growing up as a Chinese in a Spanish country, I often found myself isolated and different from others. I have a soft spot towards outcasts and destitute people.

I am probably the most multicultural person you will ever meet. I am a Chinese with mixed Ancestry born in a Spanish speaking country (El Salvador). I am fluent in Spanish, English and Cantonese. I also speak some French (intermediate), German (beginner, reading level), Malagasy (beginner), and Mandarin (beginner). I have travelled to 16 countries, volunteered as a teacher in Fiji (for 3 Summers), South Africa (2 months) and Madagascar (2 months). I served as a President of a volunteering club at UBC called the Love Your Neighbour club, providing local and global volunteering opportunities to University students. I consider myself as a third culture kid, and I would be probably confounded if you asked me where is home.

I am poetic, talented, musical and passionate. Music and writing is what keep me alive at times. I love to write in my blog, serve as an editor for my church’s newsletter and a non-profit-organization website. I play the violin (advanced), guitar (intermediate), harp (intermediate) and I am currently receiving voice lessons from a worship educator and choral director. I am planning to learn how to conduct children choirs.

Where am I going?

In the short run, I am planning to find a job in the disabilities field (as an SEA or Career Preparation Instructor) so that I can gain valuable experience serving the community, teaching, interacting with children and adults. I am also planning to gain experience as a community developer so that I can apply those skills when I go work in third world countries. In the long run, I am planning to open a school in Spanish country or Africa. I want to help the poor to receive proper education and care so that they can achieve their dreams. I cannot remain apathetic when there is so many needs in this world. After my trip to Madagascar, I am determined to achieve this dream since I witnessed that education and love can make a big difference in a person’s life.

What challenges do I face? 

I am painfully shy. But I am working hard to overcome this weakness since I know that I will be working with people most of the time. I don’t like to talk but I am forcing myself to talk more. I also have issues with self-confidence because I have high expectations on myself. I also tend to be too hard on myself when I fail to meet my expectations. But I am trying to lower my expectations so that I can keep my feet grounded on reality.

How will I get where I am going? 

At this point, I need to work really hard to finish my CCSD programme. I am also working hard to acquire more skills that will be useful in the future to help people with disabilities. I am also working on improving my self-confidence by being more positive and pro-active in helping myself and others happy.

A message from Madagascar

Today, I opened my inbox and received a message from a local coworker from Madagascar.

Hi Karen,


How are you? Are you ok? Last Tuesday during the children's meeting we sang the song you taught us (Une Femme Oublie t-elle son nourisson). When I asked the children what's your feeling when you sing this song, the children said:

"We think of Karen."

And then I said why and they said:

"Because we miss her, and this is still her writing on the white board." 

I really hope that I can go next year again to Madagascar, and stay there for 3 months. The children have captured my heart. 

Obedience not Sacrifice

I went for a long stroll with a dear friend last Sunday.

We walked around Vancouver under the hot Summer blaze -Cambie bridge, False Creek to Olympic Village. We talked about our dreams, hopes and vision in life.

It was one of the most meaningful conversations I've ever had.

"Tell me about your dreams," he asked.

I told him about my dream of serving in the Music Ministry one day. I told him that I wanted to take singing lessons, and learn how to direct a choir because I saw the needs in Africa. I saw how music united people together. I told him about how I wanted to open a school for the poor, so that they could receive proper education, food, care and be raised in the presence of God.

He listened attentively and smiled.

As we were walking on Cambie bridge, he also told me about his dream of going to Africa and serving the poor there. But he still had to finish some things before going.

As we were walking down the bridge to False Creek he turned to me and said:

"The Lord wants our obedience and not sacrifice."

The comment caught me by surprise. I was telling him about my experience with the Lord -how He humbled my pride during my trip to Madagascar and how humility has changed my life.

I smiled and contemplated in silence as we walked down the stairs.

"Obedience not sacrifice," the words resonated through my mind.

We sat by the bench at Olympic village. He told me that as Christians, we have to pay a big price when we walk out the truth. Not many are willing to forsake the traditions of men and their pride to follow the truth. But the Lord treasures those who are willing to suffer for His name sake and the truth.

As our 2-hour conversation was coming to an end, I made a final request.

"Should we pray?"

"That Island attracts me so much."

"Should we go there?"

"Yes."

We walked to a small island near the shore. The ocean breeze blew on my face as we lifted our hands to pray.

"Lord, may you grant Karen's wish to open a school for you. You greatly bless her in her music ministry. Use her greatly."

I was completely engulfed in the presence of God. I have never felt His presence so strong before.

I rejoiced in the beauty of His holiness.

We prayed for this movement. We prayed for Africa. We prayed for the music ministry. We prayed for clarity of vision. We prayed for faithfulness and obedience.

"Lord, may you keep Karen until the end."

Missing Madagascar

Hi Folks,


I am back in Vancouver. The flight from Antananarivo to Vancouver was the longest one I have ever taken in my life. Thank God that we are back safe and sound.

My first week here has been abundant. Seeing the growth of brothers and sisters over the Summer has encouraged me a lot. The trainings are more intense, and I sense that brothers and sisters are more ready. I believe that the Lord will use Vancouver greatly to bless the world.

My mind is still flooded with memories of Madagascar. When I think of the coworkers and the children, I am motivated to work harder, share more, pray more and follow the Lord more closely.



(Pictures taken during the last fellowship. We were playing Ultimate Ninja)

Appreciation

[At Johannesburg Airport]

I was tired. I sat by the window, and watched my last African sunset. My thoughts kept stirring within me as I contemplated the last rays sinking down upon the untamed African plane.

I started to reflect upon my missionary trip to Madagascar. The image of the coworkers saying goodbye to me at the airport was still intact in my mind. I recalled their faces, their smiles and their laughter. As I was thinking of them, I opened an envelope that contained all the bookmarks and letters they wrote to me. I read them one by one, and tears started to roll down my cheeks, to the bench and down below.

“I’m blessed to have a sister like you. Lovely, simple and full of love. When I see you learn Malagasy, I feel that you have a great love. You came to share the love of Jesus, you devoted your love to the brothers and sisters and the children. Karen! I appreciate you so much. I think if no love, nothing can do. Even you are tired, but you still give. I hope that you still come back. May you remember all the happy moment with the brothers and sisters, the children, the jokes…”Za mahahelo anao (I miss you).”

Your name should be: 

Karen “fitiavana” = Karen love

And in big bold letters: LOVE NEVER FAILS.”

“I don’t know what to say. I don’t know where to start. So precious to know you and I thank God that we can be in this family. God will reward you all that you have done for Him (Church, brothers and sisters, your sincere heart and your coming in Madagascar). Really miss you. I wish that when you are in Canada you can always smile and laugh just like here. Thanks for all the food that you cooked. Thanks of helping us to paint, to lead the meeting. I have many things to share but it’s better to stop because I want to cry…

So enjoy to worship with you and hear your sharing. May the Lord use you greatly so that you can open a school just like in Tana. Keep on pursuing the Lord and He will use you greatly.”

“My dear sister Karen,

Thanks to God our Abba, to let us know each other here. I like to be with you, to talk with you and I love you so much. Without the Lord, we can’t feel the warmth of this family. I hope that we can still meet each other on the earth. I so appreciate your heart towards the Lord and your love and care to me. And even we live separately, but we still strive together for the Lord’s will! Keep in touch.”

“Our dearest sister Karen,

I’m so happy to know you and serve the Lord together. You are my encouragement. You are young and you have a very good heart for God. Your fervent heart attracts me so much. Your prayers are simple but work a lot in my heart. You are very helpful. I appreciate you so much (unforgettable!) Hope you can come again! Strive for Him!”

At this point, I was weeping. I have never received such touching letters and bookmarks in my life. The words came straight from their hearts. I kept reading the letters over and over again. I felt that the Lord was expressing His deep appreciation and love towards me through them.

I am so thankful that the Lord has given me such precious brothers and sisters to restore my first love towards Him and the Church. For the longest time, I could finally love like I have never been hurt before. Love without any fears or boundaries. I experienced brotherly love in its purest form.

Love is indeed the greatest of all. Love heals the deepest wounds. Love never fails.

And it’s in one of the poorest parts of the earth, that I have found richness in faith, love and joy. Madagascar has made me rediscover the importance of a smile, a sincere faith towards God, the beauty of living a holy life and the rich love that reigns over God’s family. And that is why I consider Madagascar one of the most beautiful places I have ever lived 

Epilogue

I came to Madagascar with 8 T-shirts, 4 pants, a heavy heart and a health condition that threatened my body and soul . Upon first arriving,  I had the courage of a 3 year-old girl in her first day of school. What will I face? Who will I meet? But my fears were deeper than that. I knew that during this trip, I had to face the Lord and myself -my weaknesses and flaws. I knew that the Lord would rebuild what was once destroyed by my lack of faith and pride.

The first few weeks were rough. I had so many doubts in my mind. Is what I am following right? I feel that I am not good enough for this trip. I had so many negative feelings.

My spiritual breakthrough was a cumulative experience. The Lord was working on my heart with the things I was seeing and experiencing in Madagascar.

I observed the young boy, who despite his difficult life without his parents, was thankful and gracious towards the Lord and those around him. I observed the glow and smile of the little girl, whose sincere faith towards the Lord has made her grow over the past few months. I observed the shy sister, who despite her silence served the Lord and His family with gladness. I observed the brothers, whose sense of humour taught me that I should probably not take myself so seriously.

I observed and meditated on these things.

The brothers' genuine friendship and affection reminded me of the things I once enjoyed in the past. I was once close to a sister. I could share, laugh and trust in her freely. I really missed having that. And it made me realize that during these 5 years in Vancouver, I have not been able to form close friendships in Church. I figured out that it's not the people around me who are cold and aloof. I realized that I haven't given people a chance to know me and be part of my life. I blocked them off all for the sake of self-preservation and protection.

Result? A lack of sense belonging at church. Going to church started to feel like a chore. It did not feel like a family to me. In fact, it felt like a place that I went to fulfil my obligations as a Christian.

And then, I reached my breaking point. One night, I listened to my favourite Sufjan Steven song. It reminded me of the person who I have dearly loved in my life. It reminded me of the time where I loved brothers and sisters at church with all my heart. It reminded me of the days in which I loved to draw near to God out of my good pleasure. Some may claim that nostalgia does more harm than good, but when I recall those moments, I think of my first love. I use it as a point of reference.

I realized that my Christian life has lost its flavour, and that this life of pride and selfishness has taken a toll on me.

I guess that my sense of pride comes from seeking affirmation and approval from others. Yet, I did not seek affirmation from the Lord or from myself. This concept had a detrimental effect on my self-esteem and my relationship with others. Before coming to this trip, I was trapped in the pit of depression and self-pity.

I then asked myself:

Is this the life I want to live?

Is what I am doing good for me?

And then I came to my senses:

Karen, what are you doing to yourself? Why have you let yourself down like this?

As I was asking these questions late at night, the Bible verses came into my mind:

"Faith is the conviction of the things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

Faith. I should truly believe in what the Lord thinks of me. I should set the truth before me. It should be the pillar of my daily life. The essence of my existence. What I am living for?

I am living for Christ.

I learned that I cannot claim my life for my life is hidden in Christ. Why would I seek my value in the vanity of this world if I gave my heart to Christ 11 years ago? In order to regain what was once lost, I need to seek the meaning of my life in Him first. And during the process, I find myself forsaking my pride, the world, feelings of unworthiness...all the things that dragged my spirit, mind and body down.

I was sanctified.

It's been 2 months since I first arrived to Antananarivo, and I'm leaving behind my clothes, 7 pounds (thanks to exercise and a healthy diet), my pride and feelings. It's been 5 years since I've been so joyful and free before men and God.

At the end of this trip, I promised the Lord and myself to stand firm in what I believe in, and that I should seek the Lord with all my heart no matter what. I promised myself not to mind what others think of me because people's views will change. But what the Lord thinks of me will never change. I promised myself to seek the truth and believe in the truth only. I promised myself that I should live my life based on two principles:

1. Love the Lord with all my heart, mind, body and might.

2. Love brothers and sisters with all my heart, mind, body and might.

I know that the things I will face in Vancouver will definitely not be easy. But I have regained what is most vital for my life -I have gained my first love towards the Lord and the Church. And that alone will sustain me.

Baptism

"We fought for your souls and we've won!' he said to all of us with great commotion.

For two years, the coworkers toiled and laboured for the souls of these children. We opened the school in 2010, and thanks to the charity work (free education and food) we have been able to bring many children and their family to Christ. Today I had the honour and pleasure to witness the baptism of the first group of children.

The day was filled with great excitment, music and the love.

Happy Birthday, Melody!

Happy birthday to my dearest sister, Melody!



Sending you lots of love from Africa.

Things I have learned

One of the joys of going on a missionary trip is learning new things. Here are some things that I have learned during my short stay in Madagascar:

Translating English hymns into French: I remember that I had the vision of going to Africa one day when I was in grade 9. So I decided to take IGCSE French, even though it was one of the dullest class in school. I never imagined that the Lord would use me to translate English hymns into French. With the help of a local sister, we have translated more than 15 songs.

Bargaining in Malagasy: Learning a new language is survival skills, I tell you. At first we bought groceries at the super market until we discovered the market. It's so much cheaper! I had to learn some Malagasy to bargain.

Teaching ESL to Elementary students: Being the shy person I am, I was terrified of teaching 15+ Malagasy students English every Wednesday and Saturday. But it's actually not that bad. I learned to use songs, games and questions to make my lessons interesting and interactive. At first, the students did not know any English at all, but they have learned some English to make conversation with the team members. Their progress is so encouraging.

How to cut a pineapple: In Fiji, I learned how to open a coconut. This time I learned to cut pineapples. Pineapples are cheap and sweet in Madagascar.

When trials sore, make yourself happy: Received a reminder? You know it's right but you're having a hard time accepting it? Buy yourself some pastry! I learned that the only person who can make you truly happy (apart from the Lord) is yourself. One of the biggest lessons I learned in this trip is to help yourself, make yourself happy so that you can make those around you happy.

Exercise: "Don't just try, DO!" This is one of the phrases that impacted me a lot during this mission trip. I've always wanted to exercise and lose weight. I would even spend time to plan my routine but I never do it at the end. But this time, I pushed myself to wake up at 6:30am to run up and down a hill for 30 minutes. Result: I lost 5 pounds. 5 more pounds to go!

Be yourself: After the recent revelation, I learned the importance of being humble and being yourself. Be happy! Laugh until your stomach hurts. Share your happy moment with everyone. Accept and love yourself because God loves you just the way you are.

Humility and Transformation

I could not sleep well last night.

Maybe it was the annoying buzz of the mosquito trapped in my sleeping bag, or my fingers itching from the bites. Or maybe it was the stream of thoughts that kept pulsating through my mind ever since dinner time.

I never met such a man like him in my life.

A deep and gentle soul rested underneath his fast-paced expressions and outgoing exterior. There was depth, richness and glory in his words and actions.

He was once shy, and looked down upon the brothers and sisters at Church. Yet it was his sincere faith and fervent love towards God that compelled him to serve the Lord in Hong Kong and Madagascar. He also faced great failures in his life, but it was his humility that lifted him up from the pit.

There was something in him that I cannot fully describe. Maybe it was his tempered gentle spirit that was so Christ-like that inspired me to believe in Him and myself again.

I am not trying to overly praise this brother. But I must say that his humility to admit past failures is quite admirable.

His life experiences made me deeply ponder upon the subject of faith.

Faith is a matter of conviction.

Again, I repeat: Faith is a matter of conviction. 

This year, I dared to ask questions that I never asked before in my life:

Do I really believe in what I believe in?

Or do I merely follow what others tell me in order to gain acceptance?

Yes, I started to question. And my spirit suffered as a result. I was like a chaff tossed unto the waves of uncertainties.

And there was another thing that contributed to my spiritual downfall without me realizing it:

I started to care how people looked at me. Specially people at church.

This concept made me do things for the wrong reasons.

I was afraid of skipping meetings because people might think that I was a bad Christian. I tried to be more involved in ministry and missionary trips to gain recognition.

And this brought me to a further point that scared me:

Pride.

Me, proud?

Yes.

Ouch.

[Yes, I cried all night when I fully realized the extent of my pride.]

And this is when humility started to kick in. It's painful when you first admit to it, but it's the first step for transformation.

I said to myself: I do not want to suffer anymore! What happened to those days when I loved to draw near to Him and go to church without any pressure? I missed those days so dearly. So I prayed to the Lord to renew me and take away my pride.

And He, like a jealous Lover, demolished all my idols and purified my inner temple.

He is the motivation of why I should draw near to Him. He is the motivation of why I should go to church and love my brothers and sisters. I said to my heart: Go to Him! Talk to Him! Cling to Him! My precious Friend who has never left my side.

I believe that the Holy Spirit has worked mightily in my heart during this trip. I can now say that Christ is the centre of my life. And it brings me such great joy when I know that my life is for Him. I no longer live for myself but for the Lord. Everything I do is for the Lord.

This conviction, this ounce of faith has brought me out of the pit of self-loath, self-pity, false humility and even self-rigtheousness. I no longer care what other people think of me, because my life is for the Lord.

All my doubts and worries were gone. GONE.

I started to feel alive again.

And I realized that there is a great joy when one does not think of oneself but of the Lord and those whom He dearly loves. This is the life that I was meant to live.

He has become my life. YES!

And this brings me to this point again:

Faith is a matter of conviction. Faith is a matter of personal choice.

And this is what I believe today: It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.

I have never been happier in my life. I have never been so close to the Lord before.

And thus, my life has been transformed!

Portrait of a Young Boy in Antananarivo

He sat in one corner of the room. His eyes were closed, his arms against his chest shivering. He rested peacefully as the congregation lifted up their hands to sing songs of praise. Yet, his blood-shot eyes kept screaming some kind of silent pain. He was not well, yet he kept still. The quietness caused a silent discomfort in the room.

“Said, do you want to take some Panadol?”

His name sounded like the wind. Say it softly; you can feel a gentle breeze blowing through your lips. Say it loudly; and it sounds like a storm blowing through desert land.  

“SAAAIIIDDD!!!”

“Yes?”

“Time to get up and go to the market. Don’t be late.”

It was still dark. He rose from the icy bare floor. He had no bed but only a simple blanket -not enough to keep him warm at night. His arms and legs were stiff with the cold as he gathered the baskets of vegetables, and set off to go sell at the market before school.

“Someone took pity of him because both of his parents are mentally ill.” the director told me as we were pacing rapidly towards the hospital.

He lived with a distant relative in a squatter house in Manjagaray. There is a tradition in Madagascar that once a relative takes in a boy; he works as a servant for food and board.  

We arrived at the hospital, and were directed to Dr. Ratakoianana office. He was lying down on a bench, the IV in one arm, a brother’s hand in the other. He had a 40 degree fever, and was in deep pain. Yet a peaceful tranquility still emanated from his face.

“Many children in the school get sick but their parents rarely take care of them. Even when they are sick, they still come because there is nothing to eat at home,” the director explained to me as we sat on the waiting room.

We waited until the last drop of Paracetamol glided through the IV into his arm. He was discharged, but the doctor recommended him to be hospitalized. She suspected that a renal failure was causing the fever.

We went to the Patisserie next door to buy some pastry for him. We were trying to decide whether to send him home or hospitalize him as the doctor suggested.

“Said, do you want to go home and ask your relatives about this matter?”

He quickly shook his head.

“No, let’s go back to church.”

“Said, are you sure?”

“Yes,” he insisted.

Once we arrived at church, we covered him with blankets. He lied down in one of the benches in the basement. The children crowded curiously around him, offering much comfort and smiles. But soon after they were told to leave him alone so that he could rest.

I came downstairs with a plate of rice and beans. As I was putting down the plate, I saw him close his eyes and smile.

He was home. And he was well at last.

Community

Community. This is a concept that I have been pondering ever since I finished my practicum as a Career Preparation Instructor early this year. Before, I thought that community was a group of people living in the same geographic location. But it goes beyond that definition. Community has a much deeper meaning. A community is like an organism that feeds, nurtures and protects all its members. No man is an island. We belong to communities.

Today, we had a graduation ceremony at the Light and Love School in Antananarivo. All the students and their parents came together to dance, sing and celebrate their appreciation to the teachers and one another. I was touched by the people's sincerity, laughter and even tears. I felt that we were more than a community. We were a family.

After the graduation, the co-workers and the missionary team came together to give thanks for the Lord's blessings in the past school year. We raised our hands and sang "Psalm 103" and "Grace upon Grace" with all our hearts. I was touched by the Lord's grace towards His work in Madagascar. In spite of our limited resources (we do not have enough money to cover the expenses), and having only 3 co-workers, we managed to provide food and education for 120 students for the past 2 years. But most importantly, we were able to bring many students to Christ.

Value System

If you had $70,000 USD in your hands, what would you do with that money?

Buy a flashy car?

Make a down payment for a new house?

Or sponsor 2 schools in Madagascar and feed 100+ students for 1 year?

See, before I used to think that money well spent was money spent on my family or myself. However, my value system has changed after this trip. I cannot stand indifferent when I see so much need and poverty around me. These students have hardly anything to eat. Some of them beg for food in the streets. Many of our students don't even have beds at home. Many of them are neglected and abandoned by their families. 

Some people may criticize that charity creates dependance. But at least we can bring these students to dignity. Who knows if one of our students become a doctor? or an engineer? or a famous preacher? or the future president of Madagascar? We are saving lives and we are giving hope to their future.

Remember, it's more blessed to give than to receive!

Tamatave

Day five. We woke up at the crack of dawn to get ready for our 8-hour journey to Tamatave, a town in the East coast of Madagascar. The local brothers and sisters came to help us carry our luggage to the taxi, and see us off at the bus stop. Blessed souls. I was touched by their affection and their willingness to help our way around town.

There is something riveting about Malagasy culture. Even at the wee hours of the morning, hawkers surrounded us offering an array of items –watches, snacks, sunglasses and even “blessings.” We kept saying no. But I must say that their persistence was admirable.  

Side note: It's funny that the local Malagasy brothers and sisters know more Cantonese than our brothers.

We’ve been previously warned that the journey would be bumpy and that most brothers and sisters throw up during the ride. I tried not to eat breakfast, and drank little water because it would be inconvenient to go to the washroom.

Turns out that the car ride was smooth and pleasant. I enjoyed watching the beautiful scenery –rolling lush hills against clear blue skies. Wild banana plantations. Rivers flowing through untamed land. And there was 80s/90s music playing in the background. You can't go wrong with that. Like one of the brothers commented, the driver had a pretty good taste. I found it quite befitting that one of Michael Jackson's old songs "We are the World" was playing in the background since we were going to Tamatave for a humanitarian cause. Hehe. 

At noon we stopped by for lunch. The restaurant was scanty, a bit too rustic for my taste. But the food was okay. They had only two items on the menu: beef and fish. For those wondering what Malagasy food is like...it's basically like Chinese food. A big heap of rice on a plate (by big, I mean humongous), and some meat and veggies as side dishes. It was a pretty good deal...$1.5 for a meal. Not bad. 

However, I’ve experienced a major culture shock during my first "African toilet experience." When the restaurant owner kindly showed me the toilet...I couldn't help myself but to look bewildered and ask..."that's it?" No hole? No latrine? There was nothing but planks of wood and the stench of urine on the floor. I quickly composed myself and yielded for necessity's sake. I must say that it was quite an experience. 

We arrived to Tamatave around 3:30pm. The local people gathered around, ready to unload our luggage and take us into their tricycles.

The sights and sounds of Antananarivo

Today was National day, and the team had the chance to venture downtown for the first time. Walking through the streets of Antananarivo felt like walking into another world. I have seen poverty back home and in other countries, but to see such degree of extreme poverty in the capital city of Madagascar was quite an experience. 

The city itself is a jumble of things. The city is embroidered with French colonial architecture. But behind the old world facade lies poverty. The old cars, the run down buildings and the pot holes convey a stagnant growth and neglect in the capital. The images of dirty streets, children with bare feet, greedy vendors and empty gazes are still imprinted in my mind.

Since she is my rose

“You’re beautiful, but you’re empty…One couldn’t die for you. Of course, an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than all of you together, since she’s the one I’ve watered. Since she’s the one I put under glass, since she’s the one I sheltered behind the screen. Since she’s the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except the two or three butterflies). Since she’s the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she’s my rose.”

The Little Prince 
--- Antoine de Saint Exupéry

Night and Day

By day the Lord directs His love,

at night His song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life. 

(Psalm 42:8)

He will never leave me. I am surrounded by His love.

Cantos Ceremoniales

Soledad           Quiero andar contigo y saber,
                         Saber por qué, y andar adentro
                         del corazón diseminado,
                         preguntar al polvo perdido,
                         al jazmín huraño y disperso.
                         Por qué? Por qué esta tierra miserable?
                         Por qué esta luz desamparada?
                         Por qué esta sombra sin estrellas?
                         Por qué Paita para la muerta?


                         ---Pablo Neruda

The beauty of life

Today, I went for a stroll in English bay with a friend I met last year in UBC.

The scenic landscape, the soothing waves and the sunshine reminded me how awesome is to be in Vancouver.

I know these past 5 months has been particularly...depressing for me. I know that I should be more grateful for what I have. I tend to magnify my problems when they are in fact very minor compared to the blessings God has given me. But the Lord has been constantly reminding me through Bible verses, messages and people that they are greater things in life that success and achievements.

And I also realized that I'm not alone in this journey. Many people face confusion, loneliness and stress in their lives. It's perfectly normal to feel this way. But the difference depends in how you cope with it.

I guess the reason why I lost my emotional balance was because I stopped doing the things I love -playing music, writing, spirituality. I focused too much on my problems and trying to change rather than finding a coping strategy.

In a way, I've become more humble and connected with...humanity. This may sound kind of odd, but I tend to close myself into my small world and dreams. In the past few months, I learned that there is always space for growth, that beauty comes from the small things in life and that love overcomes all obstacles.

Smile, life is beautiful.

Song of the moment:

Jerusha Rai

I just found out that a sister from Nepal has an amazing voice. She is so talented!

And yes, I'm shamelessly promoting her music in my blog.

Be of good cheer

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Song of Solomon 8

We have a little sister,
And she has no breasts.
What shall we do for our sister
In the day when she is spoken for?
⁹ If she is a wall,
We will build upon her
A battlement of silver;
And if she is a door,
We will enclose her
With boards of cedar.

My darling from the lions

Lord, how long wilt thou look on?
Rescue my soul from their destructions,
My darling from the lions.
(Psalm 35:17)

versos

"Anhelo descansar en los campos de tus immortales sueños."

Poema 18

Aquí te amo.
En los oscuros pinos se desenreda el viento.
Fosforece la luna sobre las aguas errantes.
Andan días iguales persiguiéndose.

Se desciñe la niebla en danzantes figuras.
Una gaviota de plata se descuelga del ocaso.
A veces una vela. Altas, altas, estrellas.

O la cruz negra de un barco.
Solo.
A veces amanezco, y hasta mi alma está húmeda.
Suena, resuena el mar lejano.
Este es un puerto.
Aquí te amo.

Aquí te amo y en vano te oculta el horizonte.
Te estoy amando aun entra estas frías cosas.
A veces van mis besos en esos barcos graves,
que corren por el mar hacia donde no llegan.

Ya me veo olvidado como estas viejas anclas.
Son más tristes los muelles cuando atraca la tarde.
Se fatiga mi vida inútilmente hambrienta.
Amo lo que no tengo. Estás tú tan distante.

Mi hastío forcejea con los lentos crepúsculos.
Pero la noche llena y comienza a cantarme.
La luna hace girar su rodaje de sueño.

Me miran con tus ojos las estrellas más grandes.
Y como yo te amo, los pinos en el viento,
quieren cantar tu nombre con sus hojas de alambre.

Pablo Neruda

Nereum

"Our early youth is like a flower at dawn with a lovely dewdrop in its cup, harmoniously and pensively reflecting everything that surrounds it. But soon the sun rises over the horizon, and the dewdrop evaporates; with it vanish the fantasies of life, and now it becomes a question whether or not man is able to produce -by his own efforts as does the nereum - a drop that may represent the fruit of his life."

---Soren Kierkegaard in Either/Or

Soneto 81

Ya eres mía. Reposa con tu sueño en mi sueño.
Amor, dolor, trabajos, deben dormir ahora.
Gira la noche sobre sus invisibles ruedas
y junto a mí eres pura como el ámbar dormido.
Ninguna más, amor, dormirá con mis sueños.
Irás, iremos juntos por las aguas del tiempo.
Ninguna viajará por la sombra conmigo,
sólo tú, siempreviva, siempre sol, siempre luna.
Ya tus manos abrieron los puños delicados
y dejaron caer suaves signos sin rumbo,
tus ojos se cerraron como dos alas grises,
mientras yo sigo el agua que llevas y me lleva:
la noche, el mundo, el viento devanan su destino,
y ya no soy sin ti sino sólo tu sueño.

----Pablo Neruda

Too deep for words

In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

(Romans 8:26)

It's amazing how the Lord pops the right Bible verses in my heart when I need them the most.

Thanks for praying for us constantly.

"I pray that she may find the joy of life again.
I pray that she might regain her first love.
Open her eyes. Open her heart. For You miss her so.
Cause her to see You and treasure You to the uttermost."

Perspective

"I was blind, but now I see."

Sometimes I have to remind myself to put things into perspective.

My life is linked with God's plan.

Lord, show the greater scheme of life. I want to understand Your heart.

Grace

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me (2Corinthians 12:9).

Growing up

"Like it or not, we are role models to our students. We must assume responsibilities for our actions."

"Don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes."

"Take risks. Get out of your comfort zone. This is a safe space to grow."

Vida

‎"Mi vida, no hallarás
en el pozo en que caes
lo que guardo yo para ti en la altura:
un ramo de jazmines con rocío,
un beso más profundo que tu abismo."

-- Pablo Neruda

Quote

"God ALWAYS uses imperfect people in imperfect situations to accomplish His perfect will."

----Rick Warren in The Purpose Driven Church

Holy Holy Holy

I can't get over the beauty of this song.

Lo, a rose e'er blooming

[A free-flowing sonnet dedicated to the Bride]

Lo, a rose e'er blooming,
nested among thorns.
Your Beloved came and sought thee
pricked His hands and feet,
stained thee
and infused
life unto thee
through redemption, death, and salvation.

O perfect rose e'er blooming,
O bright star e'er shinning,
O vast field e'er growing,
Thy captivating beauty
has made Thy Beloved
Rejoice over thee.

Word of the day

Resilience [rɪˈzɪlɪəns] - The idea of an individual's tendency to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual “bouncing back” to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of exposure to adversity to produce a “steeling effect” and function better than expected. Resilience is most commonly understood as a process, and not a trait of an individual (definition à la Wikipedia).

Dia de Enero

"Ya vas a ver como van sanando poco a poco tus heridas."

Deep inside, I'm still the introverted girl that loves Shakira songs, history books and good poetry.

Some things never change.

The Great Yearning

I've been thinking a lot about eternity lately.

I believe that hope is essential for a happy and healthy Christian life, specially for the down-trodden and the broken-hearted. Hope keeps my heart from falling into the pit of despair.

There is something about eternity that really captures my heart. I came up with three main points of why I look forward to eternity.

1. The fulfillment of God's dream and my dream. The church will be complete. New Jerusalem is the culmination of God's plan. I look forward to that epic moment of the manifestation of the bride --when New Jerusalem descends from heaven to earth. The bride will be in her full splendour and glory. Although the Bible mentions that there will be no more tears, that day I will shed tears of exuberant joy. I strive for God's dream everyday.

2. The restoration of broken relationships. I must admit that this is one of the main reasons why I look forward to eternity: the family reunion in the clouds. No more separation. No more misunderstandings. No more sorrows and tears. All the saints will dwell in love and harmony with God. The verses in Psalm 133 resonate within me as I write these words.

3. The hope of the better things to come. The failures and the temporal nature of this world convinces me that there must be far better things to come. What we live is merely a shadow of eternity.

"...for the former things have passed away" (Revelation 21:4).

"Behold I am making all things new" (Revelation 21:5).

Rejoice! For eternity is at hand. Let us all enjoy our journey Home.

De la Vida del Cielo

Alma región luciente,
prado de bienandanza, que ni al hielo
ni con el rayo ardiente
fallece, fértil suelo,
producidor eterno de consuelo;
de púrpura y de nieve
florida, la cabeza coronado,
a dulces pastos mueve,
sin honda ni cayado,
el buen Pastor en ti su hato amado;
él va y en pos dichosas
le siguen sus ovejas, do las pace
con inmortales rosas,
con flor que siempre nace
y cuanto más se goza más renace;
y dentro a la montaña
del alto bien las guía; ya en la vena
del gozo fiel las baña
y les da mesa llena,
pastor y pasto él solo, y suerte buena.


---Fray Luis de León

Be anxious for nothing

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication,
with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

This verse helped me a lot today.

I'm glad everything is now solved. I can move on happily in life.

God is so good to me :D

Te recuerdo como eras

Te recuerdo como eras en el último otoño.
Eras la boina gris y el corazón en calma.
En tus ojos peleaban las llamas del crepúsculo.
Y las hojas caían en el agua de tu alma.

Apegada a mis brazos como una enredadera,
las hojas recoían tu voz lenta y en calma.
Hoguera de estupor en que mi sed ardía.
Dulce jacinto azul torcido sobre mi alma.

Siento viajar tus ojos y es distante el otoño:
boina gris, voz de pájaro y corazón de casa
hacia donde emigraban mis profundos anhelos
y caían mis besos alegres como brasas.

Cielo desde un navio. Campo desde los cerros.
Tu recuerdo es de luz, de humo, de estanque en calma!
Más allá de tus ojos ardían los crepúsculos.
Hojas secas de otoño giraban en tu alma.

---Pablo Neruda

In Awestruck Wonder

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand.

[Psalm 139:17:18)

If I could count Your thoughts,
It would take me an eternity to number them...

I was meditating the other day,
about how would I spend my days in eternity.
In the Millennium,
I want to travel to all parts of the world with the Lord.
I want to have long, deep conversations with Him...
Meet His gaze, and feel His heart beat.
I want to compose songs together
under the stars,
and sing our love to one another.

I long for Him.
This is such a crazy yearning.

We are like those who dream

When the LORD brought back the captivity of Zion,
We were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
And our tongue with singing.
Then they said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
The LORD has done great things for us,
And we are glad.

(Psalm 126:1-3)

Identity

[I'm going to be a nerd, and post my lifespan paper on identity in my blog.]

Erik Erikson’s fifth stage of psychosocial development consists of identity versus role confusion (Berger, 2010). The adolescent in this stage is constantly seeking his or her identity. The complexities of finding one’s own identity as a person become the primary crisis of adolescence (Erikson, 1968). In this paper, I will attempt to discuss and explore the development of my identity as an adolescent using Erikson’s psychosocial development theory and James Marcia’s theory of identity achievement.

According to Erikson, the ultimate goal that resolves this crisis is identity achievement (Berger, 2010). Identity is achieved when adolescents reconsider the goals and values set by their parents and culture, while accepting some and rejecting others. “With their new autonomy, they maintain continuity with their past in order to move toward their future” (Berger, 2010).

Inspired by Erik Erikson, James Marcia described three specific ways in which young people cope with this crisis as they strive for identity achievement: role confusion, foreclosure and moratorium.

Role Confusion is the opposite of identity achievement. It is characterized by a lack of commitment to any goals or values, with apathy and indifference regarding every possible role (Berger, 2010). Role confusion is sometimes called identity diffusion. Some adolescents seem diffuse, unfocused, apathetic and about their future.

To some degree, I experienced role confusion during my last year in High School. I suffered a mild case of “senioritis.” During my last term as a senior, I struggled to get out of bed to go to school. The overwhelming stress of final exams, projects, oral presentations and maintaining my circle of friends triggered a reaction in me. I became more withdrawn. I refused to go to parties, and preferred to read on a Friday night. According to my mom, I became lazier. I was unwilling to help in my family business when they needed me. I wanted my space. My response to demands and stress was indifference.

Foreclosure occurs when, in order to halt the confusion, young people short-circuit their search by accepting traditional values without examining them (Berger, 2010). Or they might adopt an oppositional, negative identity.

I experienced an onset of identity crisis as a Chinese in a Spanish speaking country. Should I embrace my parent’s culture or conform to the majority of my peers? There were no clear-cut traditional values for me. I had to juggle around my role and identity in order to find myself. Subsequently, I adopted multiple identities. For example, when I was home, I lived up to my parent’s expectations: helping out in the business, being respectful and working hard in my homework. When I was school, I tried to fit into my peer group by hanging out in parties, drinking and adopting their style. At church, I tried my best to act like a Christian. I dressed modestly, and behaved decently before the church leaders and members. However, I faced many struggles in my heart. I felt that I was not being true to myself. I was putting on different masks to fit into different social roles. I conformed to the traditional roles and expectations. As a result, I felt fragmented, which led me to a period of moratorium in my late teens.

Moratorium is a kind of time-out. Moratorium is considered a more mature response than foreclosure (Berger, 2010). Societies provide many moratoria that allow adolescents to postpone final identity achievement when they leave high school.

After graduating from High School, I decided to take a break from my studies. From a normal person’s perspective, it seems that I have achieved a lot. I graduated with honours, achieved top marks in the national exams and made a lot of friends. But I felt that there was something lacking in my life. My spiritual life was at it low point. I felt empty inside. Therefore, I decided to embark into a three-month trip to Vancouver. I worked as a volunteer in a Summer day camp, and enrolled in my church’s training program. I took classes on Church History, Systematic Theology, and Mental Health. During those three months, I was able to build meaningful relationships with my church members. I did not feel pressured to fit into social roles. I could freely be myself, and be accepted for who I was. I also developed a stronger relationship with God. I felt that I have finally found myself. Because of my positive experiences during my moratorium, I decided to stay in Vancouver to pursue further education.

Thinking about the formation of my identity as a teenager, I believe that my religious identity was the most distinct among the four arenas of identity achievement. I became a Christian when I was 12. I chose a religion that was different from my parents’. My dad is Buddhist, and my mother is a Catholic. As a result, I was very different from my family and peers. My religion gave me values to stand on. Even though I faced a period of confusion and rebellion, I still held those values close to my life.

I had many circles of friends at school. But my closest friends were my Christian friends. They had a very big impact in my life. My best friend was a missionary kid. He introduced me to Christian culture –Christian music, youth groups and missionary trips. His parents invited me over their house to their gatherings, and to short-term mission trips. These experiences helped me to develop a passion for missions, and to pursue a meaningful life devoted to God and His commission. Thus, when I was in University, I joined many missionary trips. I went to Fiji in 2008, 2009 and 2010. I recently came back from a 2-month mission trip in South Africa.

Looking back, the development of my identity as a teenager was an emotional and confusing journey. At times, I felt so depressed and fragmented that I was about to give up. It was not easy to keep up to society’s expectations when I knew that I was so different inside. However, I learned that the most important part of this stage in life was to accept myself for who I was. It was during my moratorium in my late teens, that I finally found and embraced my identity. I treasure the fact that I am unique: I am a Chinese born in a Spanish country, a passionate Christian, and a human being with talents and dreams.

Reference

Berger, Kathleen Stassen. (2010). Invitation to the Life Span. New York: Worth Publishers.


Kandom video:

Never let go

When I found Him whom my soul loveth:
I held Him, and would not let Him go.
(Song of Solomon 3:4)

If I ever decide to have a tattoo, I would have this verse imprinted in my arm.

Never let me go, Lord.

Making melody in my heart

My heart is Your favourite dwelling place.
You inundate my life with songs of joy and love,
Making melody in my heart.
You shine an inextinguishable light in my heart,
giving me faith, hope and love
amidst darkness and storms.

There is no need to despair.
For You've mended and repaired
my broken heart and dreams.

Self-portrait

[A poetic sketch of the self]

When people ask me who I am,
I say,
I am fluid...
Clay in the outside,
Molten lava in the inside,
Melting as I travel,
to places,
to cultures,
to peoples,
to stories,
to memories,
solidifying into a myriad of emotions,
moments of existence,
an identity.

I am liquid,
flowing like a river.
I am
a cascading melody that sings through:
steep rocks,
high mountains,
deserts, meadows,
praires, forests,
clashing with the waves
of the mighty wide ocean.
I carry with me the
essence of existence,
dreams, hopes, joy,
strength to move mountains,
Faith.

I am fire,
Burning with desire,
Fervently crackling,
smothering, firing
the love dream
hidden in the
deepest crevice of my
heart.

I am a human soul.

There's a Volcanoe bursting inside of me;
A Fountain of joy that forever overflows
love
peace
and life in abundance.
He is my Source since the beginning.

Kandom note: You have to visualize the imagery to understand this poem. Flow with the words and structure. Read it from the bottom-up. Hint: Think of a volcanoe.

Inspiration: Modernist movement, GEOG 103, ANTH 100, my multi-cultural background, Chemistry, Brother Fish's song, Tori Amos.