Life in 2023

It's been a while. 

Some of my friends have asked me if I still write on this blog. To be honest, so much has happened lately that it has been quite hard to find some time to write. But here I am :). 

Life in 2023 feels like living in the future. I started this blog in 2004, and to put it frankly, my 2004-version-me would probably not recognize the post-pandemic world we live in. Artificial intelligence, the Russian invasion in the Ukraine and the increase in mass shootings paints a very dystopic world. 

Also, I feel so grown-up in the sense that I have a family of my own...a husband and a 1-year old baby. I quit teaching last year for an (extended) maternity leave and have been traveling back and forth between Costa Rica and El Salvador to be with family and friends. I am trying to raise my daughter in bilingual (and eventually trilingual) household. Coupled with swimming lessons, music lessons, early stimulation and a few walks with nature during the week, this soccer-esque mom in the making is frankly tired. I have experiences many different types of tired in life (teacher tired, college burnout) but there is nothing like mom tired. It is a new level of exhaustion that no one talks about. It's like never having a full night of sleep and being "on" all the time. IYKYK. 

There are a couple of exciting things happening this year. I am finishing my final course in Bath this Summer and will be traveling to the Emerald Isle. Nothing can go wrong with some good ol' Guinness, Irish tap dancing and reading about Irish folklore and history. The Ring of Kerry, Aran Island and visiting the musical city of Galway are on top of my bucket list. Oh, and we also talked about visiting the Amazon Rainforest this morning with some friends...so who knows...

Life does change after becoming a mom. One of my greatest fear was to lose my identity in the process. But I am trying to find a balance. There is so much (unnecessary) shame from society of what you should do and not do as a mother. Yet no one speaks about the emotional load and toll it  brings to your life. I still want to chase after my dreams...to travel, to work in education, become a writer...with my daughter by my side, always.

Anyways. Stayed tuned for more posts on motherhood, life and travels.

To my daughter

I hold my daughter close, 

Inside my womanly wounded womb. 

I feel my daughter's quickening, 

Her kick, her spirit, her great dreaming. 

I hold you close, my tiny dancer, 

My playful artist, my wonderful fighter. 

Let your life be light and joy to those around you. 

Be the change that the world so desperately needs, 

My darling daughter, my strong dreamer. 

Proverbs of Hell

In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy. 

Drive your cart and your plough over the bones of the dead.

The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. 

Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity. 

He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence.
The cut worm forgives the plough.
Dip him in the river who loves water.
A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
He whose face gives no light shall never become a star. 

Eternity is in love with the productions of time.
The busy bee has no time for sorrow.
The hours of folly are measured by the clock, but of wisdom no clock can measure.

All wholesome food is caught without a net or a trap. 

Bring out number, weight and measure in a year of dearth.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. 

A dead body revenges not injuries.

The most sublime act is to set another before you.
If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise.

Folly is the cloak of knavery. Shame is Pride’s cloak.

Season of grief

Pandemic.

What a horrible word has it become. How I loathe it to its very core. 

One of my good friends passed away recently from Covid. She was a brilliant linguist who translated the book of Mark into a Mixtec variant. She was young, strong, warm, hospitable. But most of all, she was my dearest friend who received me into her home during my study exchange in Oaxaca. It was her friendship and dedication to her community and work who helped me heal after a terrible onslaught of spiritual abuse from my previous church. It was because of her, that I held on to the belief that there are good Christians out there. 

We would write often after I left Oaxaca and I once went back to visit her. She was truly formidable....teaching linguistics in colleges, writing books about linguistics, directing workshops for translators, and doing amazing work amongst the indigenous community. She combined her passion for languages with a powerful vision. I loved her and admired her for who she was and how she made others feel around her. 

Sometime in July this year she wrote me a note about reminiscing our times in Oaxaca. Sometime in August she fell ill with Covid. I prayed and prayed for her life. Sometime in September she passed away. Life is that short and effervescent. 

And these past few days, my grief has come washing me with its ebb and flow. Sometimes, I find myself crying in the car asking God...why? Why did you take her so soon? And sometimes I am comforted that I will see her again. But most of all, I just think of the wonderful days I got to spend with her in Oaxaca, going from village to village to visit the indigenous communities...talking to new people, eating mole and smashing piñatas in birthday parties. 

What an honor to have met you, Karina. 

My father's poem

Yesterday was my dad's birthday. It was nice catching up and talking about life. Although, we are in different stages in life, I still feel his closeness, care and love. I woke up today to this poem that he wrote.

决择，。      

 几许往时梦，几许心惆怅，别了惜日家，万里而去心潮千万丈，收起往时梦，抛开心惆怅，任那海和山，肋我寻遍天涯各处乡，闯一番新世界，挺身发奋图强，要将我根和苗，，再种新土壤，就算受错折，也当平常，发辉决择的力量，再起我新门墙，像那家乡样，胜我旧家乡。

This resonates to my heart so much. He encourages me to leave my past behind, travel the world, accomplish my dreams and live a fruitful and victorious life. 

Victory is my homeland.

Conchalio

Do you ever feel homesick? 

Specially when Corona has the world on lockdown, 

But your heart is elsewhere, waiting and anxious to return, 

To your family, to the waves you called home. 

I still reminisce those sunny days, 

When my aunt took me by my hand to see the dawn rise, 

Those stony pebbles, the sandy feet and warm gatherings in 

Conchalio. 

Seem so far away, now. It's been more than 20 years. 

But it will be always be the moment I have felt the most at home. 

Zhangjiajie

Zhangjiajie is well-known for its beautiful mountains. It is also the place that Avatar was filmed. 

Michael has been obsessed with visiting the mountains. We made a stop in our Honeymoon. 

Everywhere I looked, it looked like a Chinese painting....majestic and poetic.

I would highly recommend going to Zhangjiajie if you are in Hunan province. We are thinking of going back once Covid ends during the Summer time. 

Pictures for your enjoyment.

The Prisoner

The captive raised her face; it was a soft and mild

As sculptured marble saint; or slumbering unweaned child;

It was so soft and mild, it was so sweet and fair, 

Pain could not trace a line, or grief a shadow there!

The captive raised her hand and pressed it to her brow; 

"I have been struck," she said, "and I am suffering now;

Yet these are little worth, your bolts and iron strong; 

And, were they forged in steel, they could not hold me long."

-Emily Brontë, 

"The Prisoner," 1845

To experience the different facets of life

I grew up in a very religious community...where wearing nail polish was deemed wrong, using sleeveless shirts was provocative and listening to non-Christian music was worldly.

I lived in this kind of environment from age 12-23. I truly believed that by following God, reading the Bible every day and following the rules imposed by this community, I would live a full and glorious life.

Yet, deep down, I often felt suppressed and unfulfilled. The religious leaders would isolate me from my family members, become weirdly jealous when I attended other youth meetings and were just very controlling. 

Again, at a young age, I thought I was doing the right thing...leaving everything behind to follow Jesus. 

But as I became older, travelled more and met more people, I realized that this religious community was not normal. It was abusive. If I did not attend, say a Friday meeting, they would call and check on me. They did not respect my boundaries. They started asking for money. I didn't feel loved or supported. I felt used. 

So I left. 

I changed my phone number and stopped going to all meetings. 

I erased all my contacts from social media and quit cold turkey. 

To this day, I have not returned or contacted any members. 

It has been by far one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It took me every ounce of courage to leave. But it was worth it. 

I sincerely believe that Jesus does not want us to live a life of spiritual abuse. He gave us all freedom. Freedom to live life and choose our life paths. 

And I started to carve my own path, with its ups and downs, but I experienced freedom. 

I moved to Costa Rica and started from scratch. It was not easy but so liberating to finally live a life that I wanted.

I was able to attend Summer programmes in Cambridge and the School of Oriental and African studies in the UK. I am currently doing a Masters on International Education in the University of Bath. 

I went to Senegal and helped out on a project started by a Costa Rican and it was so interesting to experience another culture. 

I met a loving partner that supports me in all my dreams. He takes cares of me and loves me for who I am. We have a dream of traveling and working in different places while producing art and literature. 

I was able to experience the different facets that life has to offer...the good and the bad. I've experienced heartbreak, disappointment, joy, love but most of all freedom. 

Let no one take away your freedom...

For life is too short to live a life that others want you to live. 

Xian

Xian was handsdown my favorite stop in our honeymoon. 

During our first date, Michael asked me if I could go anywhere in the world...where it would be? I answered: The Silk Road. And he said "we shall go one day." In my mind, I thought he was a little crazy since it was our first date. Also in my mind, the Silk Road encompasses: Xian, Uzbekistan, Kyrgystan, Turkey, parts of Iran and lastly Italy. Travelling to those places would be the ultimate adventure since my inner nerd loves the history and art of the Silk Road. 

To be honest, Beijing was quite hectic and stressful since it was such a big city and the people were a tad bit unfriendly. If it wasn't for my friend whom I met in Bath, we would be lost. Xian was much friendlier, the people spoke more English and it was such a culinary adventure! 

The first day, we ventured down to Muslim Street! It has always been a dream of mine to taste all the delicacies and see the encounter between the East and West of China. We had so much fun tasting all the street food: oysters, flat bread with meat fillings, lamb burgers, steamed dumplings...you name it! Everything seemed so exquisite and exotic...Western China is quite impressive (I have previously travelled to China but only knew the Cantonese side).

The second day, we went to see the Terracota warriors. I have seen them in history books and heard about them but to actually see them was kind of surreal. I recommend booking a tour since the museum is 1 hour away from the city, and it so much easier to have a guide. We also met one of the farmers that discovered the Terracota Warriors. It was interesting to learn that the warriors had a hierarchy and were placed a certain way for auspicious purposes. We also went to the Ban Po people museum where we learned about the ancient settlers who had similar cultural practices as the Mosuo people (walking marriages, round houses) in the south. 

The third day, we went to the Giant Wild Goose Pagoda. I really recommend this place since it has a nice garden to walk around and different ancient artefacts to look at. The Pagoda itself is not accesible to the public since it is so old. There is a giant bronze bell that you can play for good luck (for the price of 5 yuan ~ $0.70). It was an overally fun place to tour around. At night, we attended a Tang dynasty show which was really cool since it showcased the costumes, music and traditionsof said dynasty.

Overall, I would rate Xian 10/10 in terms of food, hospitality and adventure factor. I woudl definitely go again just for the food!

Pictures for your enjoyment:

 

The Southern Skies

 (Inspired by my travels to Fiji in the Summers of 2008, 2009, 2010)

 

Oh to walk at night, 

Gazing at the Southern skies, 

Gilded with stars, as bright as

Jewels, dancing in their glory

To the music of the spheres. 

With Melody by my side, 

We were singing as we walked  

From Nasese to Suva, 

Dreaming bright dreams of Abba.